How I F*ck with Cerebral Palsy (Transcript)

NATALIE RIVERA: Hello, my name is Natalie Rivera and this is “How I F*ck,” a podcast about how we have sex, sponsored by Fembot Magazine.  

NR: I think about sex a lot. I’m sure you do too. But what is sex? I can read you the dictionary definition but that’s not what this podcast is about. What does sex mean to someone who is ignored on a regular basis? What does it mean to someone who is considered “too sexual” or “not sexual enough.” To someone who almost never gets asked “what turns you on?” This podcast is about what satisfies a person. It's about whether the things that happen to us in our lives, the interests we have, or the circumstances we’re in shape how we experience pleasure, whether that’s with a partner, a toy, or alone. Full disclosure: I am by no means a sex expert, I am however a journalist with more than eight years of experience whose curious about how people have sex. Also, these stories do not reflect a community or experience as a whole, they reflect the person that these stories belong to. One of the questions you’ll be hearing me ask guests in this podcast is “when did you realize you were a sexual being.” Whether I include their answer in the episode or not is a whole different story, but I always do enjoy hearing people’s answers. I realized I had sexual needs when I was about 6 years old. Matthew Broderick had a lot to do with that. That was probably one of the first times I took note of what my body can do. my body can clearly get turned on by watching Inspector Gadget. Noted. Everything else though, like how my arm works or what my legs can do, was never really something I thought long about. I like to think that I recognize my privilege when I say I never gave my physical capability much consideration. My body has always seemed to work in my favor, at least for as long as I can remember. That can’t be said about Andrew Gurza.

ANDREW GURZA: You understand that you're disabled from the time you're born, you just know it. I can't explain it, but it's something you know inside your body. Your body tells you very clearly that there are things you can't do, and you just learn that you have a disability. So for me I was always, from the age of four on, I was in a wheelchair. So I knew that my body was different, I just knew. It's just something that you just understand as your normal, and so for me that was my normal.

NR: Andrew was born with cerebral palsy, a motor disability that is caused by abnormal brain development or damage to the developing brain. People with cerebral palsy have difficulties with their movement and posture, and in severe cases need special equipment to do every day things like walking. On average, 1 in every 323 children born is identified with CP, but not every one with CP does what Andrew does. Andrew, who is 35, is a disability awareness consultant.

NR: What does that look like?

AG: Well, I mean I'm a freelancer, so it looks like whenever somebody wants me to do a talk, I give those. I do presentations all over the world.

NR: What happened in your journey that led you to this?

AG: Not having a job and needing income. That's literally how it happened. I literally made a card that said, “Andrew Gurza, Disability Awareness Consultant,” not knowing what the hell that meant. And just saying, "This is what I do now. Hire me." People started believing that I could do it, when I really had no idea what the hell I was doing. Then it just sort of spiraled from there.

NR: While a lot of Andrew’s work involves speaking engagements and writing articles about navigating life as someone with CP, he’s mostly known for talking about what it’s like having sex as a disabled person. His award-winning podcast, Disability After Dark, is all about sex and disability, from using sex swings as a wheelchair-user to disability representation in media, Andrew talks about the things many people with disabilites think about on a daily basis and that able-bodied people never had to.

AG: I was like, "You know, I'm queer and I've always wanted to talk about my connection with queerness and disability. I've always wanted to have those conversations. No one's having them. What if I just started doing it?" 

NR: When you do a Google search for sex and cerebal palsy you’ll find articles and studies that argue that cerebral palsy does not affect sexual function or sexual drive. But while this may be true, having sex as someone with CP still has its challenges and some might say, limitations.

AG: Like any red-blooded young boy, I realized that I liked masturbating at like 10. That was great. But then I very quickly, I did that for a couple years, but I realized as I got older and over the past couple years that's gotten harder to self pleasure and harder to masturbate, just because of the muscles in my hands and the spasticity in my hands and my dexterity. So for people with penises, typically when you masturbate yourself there's a pumping motion that you do. So with me, my hands can't do that, so ever since I was young I would kind of just jerk off with the head of my thumb, and that felt good, that was nice. But then the dexterity changed and my hands changed, and that got harder and harder to do, so I can't actually self pleasure anymore.

NR: Take that in for a second. Andrew can’t self pleasure himself anymore. I was pretty surprised by how nonchalant Andrew seemed when he told me this. But the longer I spoke to Andrew the more it made sense to me that he would just tell me a detail of that enormity like that. Andrew is strategic about his sex life. If you think about it, it makes sense. Unlike abled people— and yes, I understand that I am making a generalization that all abled people have a similar experience, but bear with me here— Andrew wasn’t exposed to conversations about the type of sex he would actually be having. Sex education, whether that was at school or through a Google search didn’t revolve around the reality that disabled people would and will have sex.

AG: We never saw depictions of disabled people in sex ed, and  that's still not happening. So yeah, a lot of it is not really inclusive, still not. Even like, I was in high school 20-some years ago, and we're still having the same conversations.

NR: More than 13% of non-institutionalized Americans live with a disability, yet only 3% of characters in broadcast programming are portrayed with a disability. Now these numbers come from GLAAD’s “2019/ 2020 Where We Are on TV” report, which also takes into account characters with cancer, HIV, AIDS, and PTSD. So while this number may seem low, keep in mind that it is likely the number of  characters with mobile disabilities like CP is much lower than 3%. While this 3% seems pretty dismal as is, it gets more heartbreaking when you realize that only 10 characters with a disability is LGBTQ. Yeah, 10. Yet, an estimated 2 to 5 million Americans with a disability identify as LGBTQ. Andrew is one of them.

NR: When did you realize that you were queer?

AG: When I was six. I was a little boy being like, "Oh I like this and I don't know why." I just assumed it was normal, and then you realize very quickly that it's not normal. I mean that it's not normal in the sense of like, "Oh no, it's scary." People don't know how to navigate that, and I realized when I was six that I like the male body and I like looking at men and I was attracted to that. So then I came out as gay at 15, and then I realized that gay wasn't quite the right term for me. Then queer I think is a much more inclusive term because it means I don't have to conform to gay male stereotypes. So I say queer to be like, "F*ck you, I don't want to be part of your gay group that is exclusive and is really white and really cis and really able-bodied. I don't want to be part of that." So I say queer, because I like dudes exclusively, but I say queer because it's almost like a f*ck you to the binary of gayness, if that makes sense.

NR: Yeah. It does make sense. I never really thought of it that way. What led you to decide that, and when?

AG: Well, I've always liked playing with language. So when I talk about myself around disability, I say “queer cripple.” Cripple was once a really derogatory term to describe disabled people, and so I love using it, and I actually have it tattooed on my chest, because I just think it's a big f*ck you to all those people that don't think I know what's happening and don't think I know what ableism is, and don't think I know that they're being rude, and don't think that I understand that you're afraid of me. 

NR: Queerness is already pretty underrepresented, especially when Andrew was growing up, so you can only imagine the lack of information out there for him and other disabled LGBTQ people.

AG: I didn't hear about the kind of sex that I wanted to have. I was 14 and wanted to f*ck dudes, and I was hearing like, "So and then you're going to impregnate a woman. This is how penis-vagina sex works." I'd always be like, "Hey, so what about other kinds of sex?"

NR: When was the first time you had it?

AG: I was 19. I was in college. I was online looking for dick every day, and I had just moved away from home. I really wanted that d, so I was looking for somebody to sleep with. I was online every day, and I went online one day and my roommate was in there. He goes, "What are you doing?" He was like, "You're looking for dick." I was like, "Well yeah." He was like, "You're doing it wrong. Here, come here." So he goes into the computer and he types in like, "I want a blowjob." He puts it up there, and within 20 minutes my screen was flashing with a bunch of IMs.

NR: Andrew meets the man who is twelves years his senior, which kinda makes sense since Andrew has a pension for older men, and they have sex in his dorm room. Andrew came within the first 20 to 30 seconds of being touched. 

AG: I'd never been touched and I didn't know what any of that felt like. I was finished. So he was like, "You've done this before, right?" I was like, "Oh yeah, many times. A ton of times." I was totally f*cking lying. I had never done it. So he made me cum again, and I thought because he made me cum, we were in love. So I said something to the effect of, "Let's go see a movie. Let's go be boyfriends." I was being all lovey dovey because I didn't know. What I'd seen in movies was like you make somebody cum and then you must be dating, that's what sex is. So, he said to me, "Well no, do you see your wheelchair over there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Well I just actually came by because I felt bad for you. You were just a pity f*ck." So my first time sucked, and if I could take that one back, I totally would.

NR: What do you say to something like that?

AG: 19-year-old Andrew said, "Oh cool. Sorry." I was 19 and I was scared. I was upset, so I just was like, "Oh yeah, of course. Cool, okay." But after he left, I remember being really upset for a good two or three days. I didn't eat, didn't see anybody. I was pretty traumatized.
NR: Was that your worst nightmare before... I mean, is that something that you worried about, someone telling you something like that.
AG: No, because I never expected that somebody would say something like that. My fantasies of my first sexual experience were like, "I love you. We're going to be together," all the things you see on TV. So honestly, that came out of left field for 19-year-old me. I didn't know how to handle that. I mean, God, that was like 16 years ago. I still don't know how I would handle that if somebody now said, "You're a pity f*ck in bed." 

NR: Yeah, how does someone handle something like that? How do you avoid ever being told that again in your life? For Andrew, the answer came in two words: Sex workers.

AG: I just decided one day, I was like, "I'm tired of dealing with people's bullsh**. I want what I want. I want some hot sex. I don't want to apologize for it, and I don't want to enter into a relationship right away with someone either. I just want to get my rocks off." So I went on a site, found a worker and said, "You're hot. Do you want to see if something goes?" They said yes, and that's how it started. I say that knowing that it's a privilege to be able to pay for sex. I don't think that a lot of disabled people have access to a lot of money all the time, so for me it's a privilege and I'm very lucky to be able to do that. 

NR: I guess in terms of like technicalities, how does sex ... Are you a top, a bottom? How does this work?

AG: I would say that I, just for simplicity's sake and because I have never bottomed, I want to bottom, really a lot, I really do. I feel, as a queer man who likes men and not being able to bottom, I'm missing out on something. But I top mostly. I had a sex worker over yesterday actually and we f*cked around and I topped. And so they sat on my dick basically. I can't thrust my dick into somebody so they rode me, which was fun and it was enjoyable. I jokingly refer to myself as a human dildo, which just means they sit on my dick and they control the motion, they control how fast they're going, they control how deep they go. I can't do any of that so they have to take charge.

NR: While there aren’t too many recent studies about exactly how many disabled people pay for sex, one survey from 2005 found that more than 37% of disabled men and 16% of disabled women would consider paying for sex. However there are personal essays out there from disabled people who claim they hire sex workers.

NR: Can you explain to me the first time you even thought of hiring a sex worker?

AG: Two years ago I hadn't had sex in 10 months. I was horny as f*ck, and couldn't get off. I went on this site and I was like, "I'm just going to go and look, I'm not going to hire anybody," Then when I was on there I saw someone that was really hot and I was like, "Oh, his picture are hot, I'm just going to message and say have you been with a disabled guy before?" And he said no. I was like, "That's hot I get to be your first disabled guy," there's something really hot about that so we hooked up.

NR: Because Andrew is attended to by care workers who work in his building, it’s important that the sex workers Andrew brings into his home understand Andrew’s disability. 

AG: I trained all my sex workers. I make them aware before they come to my house like, "Here's what I'll need from you, here's what I require, here are the things that I need you to do.” I don't want my other workers involved in my sex life. That's my time to be with myself and with another person. I don't want to involve a care worker, it's really weird.

NR: So I'd imagine that someone with cerebral palsy, you're kind of always being helped by someone else or being looked over by someone else. Did you ever have that privacy to masturbate or privacy at all?

AG: I found it. I found moments where I could masturbate. So like when everyone went to bed and I was in bed and I was awake, I was like, "Oh this is the perfect time." So I found time, but I often didn't have a lot of ... I still don't have a lot of like, "I'm going to whip my dick out and start jerking off right now," kind of privacy. 

NR: Actually... there are moments for Andrew where his dick, kind of needs to release himself, they're just not at ideal times.

AG: Because I don't have the ability to masturbate or self pleasure or release the ejaculates so just, the body builds up and like anything else in the body, it decides it's time to come out and that's what happens and that can be really embarrassing.

NR: While Andrew doesn’t have the option of spontaneity like most of us do, he still loves planning out sex ahead of time. I mean, it is sex afterall.

AG: Everything has to be scheduled, which is both great, I like the idea of scheduling the sex that I have because it's like, “Ooh, Wednesday at 2:00 I get to f*ck around with this dude that's hot." I know that that's sex time, but also I would like to be sexual when I want to. Or take ... In the queer male community there's a lot of like, "Show me your dick." I wish I could just do that, but I can't.

NR: But it’s not just partnered sex, or at least it shouldn’t have to be. While Andrew can’t pleasure himself with his hands anymore, there is still the question of sex toys. 

AG: Well, shameless plug, a lot of sex toys are inaccessible to me. So, I am the co-founder of Deliciously Disabled, a company that my sister and I are working on to create the first line of hands-free sex toys for disabled people, because most sex toys for people, disabled people with limited hand dexterity, much like mine. My hands are a little bit...they're formed differently. So, sex toys don't often work for me. So, a lot of the toys don't work. Again, hence sex workers.

NR: Working on a sex toy line might not be the average sibling activity, but it is for Andrew and his sister. It’s a way for him to, again, open up about what he really wants and what his needs are.

AG: We've started getting closer a lot over the last few years because of this. And, she actually brought it up to me. She was like, "What is one thing you want to change, and what is one thing that would make accessibility better for you?" And, I was like, "Oh I need to do a good grab." I wasn't thinking of sex toys. And she was like, “Well, you work in sexuality and disability. What about sex toys?" And so, we started talking about it and we realized she has a great marketing background, I have a great creative background. We could really work together.

NR: It’s Andrew’s openness in talking about his needs and wants that makes his work seem almost radical. How often do we ask people who are disabled what they truly need in life? Like really need. You’d probably be taken off guard if their repsonse was “sex toys,” because that kind of bluntness isn’t normal for everyone. But, if we’re being honest here, another reason why that might sound shocking for some is because we don’t expect people with disabilities to be sexual, let alone talk about it. I for one never really considered what sex is like for someone with a disability and if we as a community are doing enough to make sure they also find pleasure. Are we providing them with the tools they need to get off,  which, I’d argue, is one of our basic human rights? Should we rethink the criminality of sex work? I mean, when the Netherlands legalized sex work there were reports that a lot of people with disabilities there felt more inclined to pay for sex. Should we do the same? It almost seems like we’re doing a disservice by criminalizing something people like Andrew can really make use of. No wonder he’s taking matters into his own hands. It Makes total sense that he would work on a line of sex toys, and that he’s been shooting some porn.

AG: I've done a bunch of photo shoots. I just recently shot a porn scene. I did it the other day, which was super fun and super terrifying, but it was fun. And, we did it with my disabled body and we did all that. I'm not afraid of that stuff. And, if it's marketed the right way it can be hot as f*ck. For instance, I market myself all the time. My running joke is that I'm a big dick crip. I know how to play with that stuff, and make people sit up and take notice of what I'm doing. And so, if you're going to market sexuality stuff to disabled people, you have to have a disabled person in the room marketing it for you, or with you.

NR: Congratulations on your first porn scene.

AG: Thank you. I don't know how much I can speak about it, but I did one with some people and it was really cool because my disabled body got to be there. You'll see that I'm disabled on camera, but, you'll see that I need help on camera. You'll see all the things that we just spoke about on camera and that's important. 

NR: Have you ever seen someone who represents you in porn?

AG: It's rare. I have seen it. I can't remember what porn it was, but it's out there.

NR: Do you remember what you were feeling when you saw that? Do you remember feeling, “Yay, this is great,” or disappointed by the representation? 

AG: It was very fetishized, so it was like, "Oh, Johnny, you've come back from the war and you're in a wheelchair. Let me take care of you." It was very weird. So, it wasn't like what I really wanted it to be. I've consulted on other porn shoots where a disabled person will be in the shoot and the scene, and that was cool, but I'd never seen my body reflected back to me. And, now I have it on film. Now, there's a video of me jerking off with a dude on film somewhere that's going to be eventually released, which is hot. But, it terrifies me because it's going to be out there now. But, I think it's so important too.

NR: It is important. While there are disabled porn stars out there, you can argue that there aren’t enough of them, especially when you remember just how many Americans with disabilities there are.

NR: And so, where do you see your career going from here then? You're doing so much, and you just shot your first porn scene. So, what does the future look like for you?

AG: Just more of the same really. I like my low-key thing. I like just hanging out. I don't want to be a big star. I just want to get representation out there, and if me showing my body helps to do that and gets more porn companies interested in working with me or other people like me, great. I like the freedom to do what I want when I want because of my disability. 

NR: Thank you so much, Andrew. I really hope you enjoyed our conversation.

AG: I did. I hoped you did too.

NR: And that was our first episode of “How I F*ck.” If you love what Andrew is doing as much as we do, then I suggest you check out his podcast, Disability After Dark. This podcast was produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I am also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Vocal coaching was by Chelsea Kwoka. Music is by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under his artist name MAGH. Our marketing team includes Gabriela Sanchez and Alissa Medina. Also, check out our sponsor Fembot Magazine. And if you’re curious about the resources we used in this episode, I recommend checking out our website howifckpodcast.com. That is “how i f*ck podcast” without the “u,” so “fck.” We’ll also be posting our episodes there as we keep releasing them. And please, if you like this podcast tell someone you know. We’d also appreciate you liking, subscribing and rating this episode. It helps us keep this project going. Thank you and stay tuned for our next episode.