How I F*ck as a Professional Dominatrix (Transcript)

NATALIE RIVERA: This is “How I F*ck” and I’m your host, Natalie Rivera. If you’re new to the podcast, welcome! “How I F*ck” is a podcast that explores the sex lives of people from all background, experiences, lifestyles, conditions and identities. But while we are a sex podcast, I am by no means a sex expert. I’m a journalist with years of experience who likes to ask a lot of questions about how people have sex. Some of these questions that I have actually pertain to BDSM and kink. For anyone who doesn’t know, and it’s okay if you don’t, the acronym BDSM is an umbrella term that breaks down into three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. The word kink refers to any sexual activity that isn’t conventional or falls out of the norm. I don’t know too many people in the BDSM community. That being said, some of the representations I’ve seen of people who are kinky and/or are into BDSM comes from TV and movies, which as we know, usually doesn’t represent people in the best of light. Yeah, I’m talking to you, “50 Shades of Grey.” Something I do know about  BDSM specifically is that consent is very, very important in the community. I’ve read many articles about how BDSM is probably one of the most consent-friendly communities out there. I even covered the topic in a previous job a few years ago. I think people can learn a lot about consent, empowerment, and respect from the BDSM community, which is why I am so excited about our next guest. But two things before we get started. Point number one: This is story belongs to our guest and it shouldn’t be taken as a generalization of everyone who is involved in BDSM or sex work. Point number two: Again, I am not a part of the BDSM community so be prepared to hear me ask questions from a very almost clueless place. Okay, here’s the episode.

MAIA MCQUEEN: Hi, I'm Maia McQueen. I'm a professional dominatrix in Los Angeles. 

NR: And so Maia, a professional dominatrix. Is that something that you wanted to be growing up? Were you a little girl and you were just like, “I want to be a professional dominatrix?”

MM: You know, I always had a thing for Catwoman, so maybe that started it. 

NR: Maia has bright red hair and she stands at almost six feet tall. She has a huge warm smile and honestly, I’m tripping out a little because I can’t get over how much she looks like Scarlett Johanson. Growing up, Maia was constantly being told that she was too bossy.

MM: I’ve always been really bossy by nature because that's just who I am. I'm also really tall. So towering over men has always been a thing that I've done, whether I wanted to or not. Looking back, there's a lot of things that now I go, “Oh, I went to homecoming with a guy who was like five-foot-three and I towered over him and he loved it.” That's an aspect of that power exchange looking back now. Like, “Oh, okay. I get that.” But in the moment growing up, none of it occurred to me, but now I realize I've always been bossy. I've always been like…I've always liked to be in charge. And I think that lends itself really well to the aspects of BDSM that I practice.

NR: Before Maia discovered BDSM for herself, she was having sexual relationships that didn’t really explore kink or submissive and dominant dynamics. She would kind of always fall into the submissive role, something she assumed women needed to be.  

MM: I’m from the middle of the country. I'm from the Midwest and I'd never been exposed to anything other than regular vanilla sex. And assuming that as the woman, I had to take the submissive role, that's just kind of deeply ingrained in us. But I didn't realize that there were other options for me. And that really helped open my mind to the fact that I could be the one in control. I could be the one having the power and making the decisions. And I didn't realize before that there was any other option. 

NR: And for those who don’t know, can we have a soundbite of you explaining what vanilla and dominance and submissive mean?

MM: Vanilla means any…it's kind of an umbrella term for like a community or a blanket term for people who are not kinky. Right? So anybody who is considered, and I'm using air quotes, “normal” who doesn't participate in BDSM is considered vanilla. It's not an insult. It's just the term for people who have normal sex. What people know as normal sex. A submissive is in the DS dynamic, DS, meaning dominant submissive. Submissive is the person who does whatever the dominant says. Their purpose is to serve that person, to obey that person and that they relinquish power to that person. It's part of the dynamic. The dominant—these are also called tops and bottoms, so sometimes those words are used interchangeably— the dominant or the top is the person who's in charge of the dynamic. They're making the decisions in the moment, they are guiding the experience, they're taking the reins.

NR: While the history of BDSM isn’t too well documented, some experts believe that BDSM first started gaining momentum in Western culture in the 1940s’ with the popularization of pin-up, fetish magazines, and leather daddies, though there is evidence that BDSM has been practiced many years before then. But even though its existence dates back centuries, people are still confused by what BDSM is and what it can mean to people. Of course, BDSM and kink can mean one thing to someone and can mean something completely different to someone else, but there still seems to be some general misconceptions floating around.  Some misconceptions include the idea that BDSM is dangerous or that only the men are dominant and the women are submissive.

MM: I never played professionally as a submissive, but when I first was introduced to BDSM as a lifestyle I thought that was my only option when I first came onto the scene. There weren't any female pro dommes. This was, you know, 15 years ago and I just was younger and I was going with a friend who her husband was a dominant and she was a submissive. So I just went with them. We went to Sanctuary, which was the first dungeon I went to. And I didn't realize that there was an option for me to be anything else because I didn't see any female dominance there. It wasn't until later that I realized that I could be both or I could be the other. So I was first introduced to BDSM as a lifestyle when I was 19 years old and I played as a submissive and a switch. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I was introduced to a group of pro dommes. Actually, I think it was in my late twenties. I met them at work at my job on a shoot. And I was very fascinated by these women. I was in a place in my life where I was in an abusive relationship. And I felt like I lost all of my power and these women possessed this innate power that filled the room. And I just really wanted that back in my life. And so I ended up taking a class from one of them who was hosting a workshop. It was a three-day workshop, just as a form of therapy for myself to try to figure out how I can get my power back. It turned out I'm really good at it. I stand in my own personal power, no problem. I just needed a little coaching. And it was so fun. I realized that I could actually do this. I was doing it for fun. I realized I could make some money. And I started working, networking through the women that I had met. And I was lucky enough to be introduced to Isabella Sinclair, one of the top dominatrixes in the world. And she took me in and helped mentor me. And now I work at her dungeon Ivy Manor in downtown. Once I started playing as a dominant, I have found now that it's almost impossible for me to switch back. Other people have different experiences, but that's my personal experience. 

NR: One of the other factors about BDSM that attracted Maia is the community’s commitment to communication, something she also felt was missing in her earlier vanilla sexual experiences. 

MM: Conversations about what you like and what you don't like, and our limits and your interests are so much richer in the BDSM community. In vanilla sex it's like you test the waters, right? So like, I'm going to turn her over and see what she says. Now I'm going to put a finger in her ass and see if she says no. In BDSM, it's like, none of that would really happen without a conversation before you even get started.

NR: What you’re saying seems why there is the Me Too movement, and with Aziz Ansari where’s it’s like, “I didn’t know that that wasn’t what she wanted.” Even from my own experiences, it's like, “Let me do these things. Oh, she didn't say anything,” as opposed to asking before you're doing stuff. And then this is when people, especially women feel like they have to go along with it. Cause it's like, “Well, we're already doing this.” Right?"

MM: And we're also programmed by society to be compliant, to be agreeable. That's how we're taught to be. We're taught to not rock the boat or be nice and to say yes. And so that bleeds over into every aspect of our lives, including our sex lives. I have definitely had situations where things have happened to me. The first time I ever had anal sex, I wasn't asked first. It just happened. And then afterwards he said “It was okay.” And I said, “Well, I don't know.” I was 19-years-old and that had never happened. And it took me years of being like, “Wait, that was not okay. That was not a thing I wanted to do.” And it took me a long time of understanding my own agency of being able to say, “No, I don't want to do this. You can stop that at any time.”

NR: Once Maia knew that being a pro domme in the community was what she wanted to do, it was now a matter of how to start.

MM: So we learned a little bit about how to book sessions in the class, like a little bit about protocol of you have to make sure you check references, all of that. And then I had to find a dungeon space. And that's the hardest thing when you're first starting out because nobody knows who you are. So normally you have to come with a referral. The community is very close knit. Everybody knows everybody. So I had to find a space and luckily a girl that I had met was building her own dungeon and she let me use her space for my very first session. And the first time you do anything, it's going to suck, right.? I was not good. My first session was not good. And luckily my client was very patient with me and he's actually still a client of mine to this day. But the first session that I took was awful. I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally just trying to go by the book of, “This is what I've been taught. Do it in this order, in this way.” And I realized it's so much more of a natural thing. If you let your intuition lead you in the scene of, “I can tell that this is what this person needs in this moment.”

NR: Maia found her client via FetLife, a social network for BDSM, kinky or fetish people. She’s attracted clients via FetLife, Twitter, email, and Instagram… that was until her Instagram was taken down. 

MM: My Instagram got deleted at 12,000 followers. It’s very sad. Instagram targets sex worker accounts and takes them down for no reason. There's nothing bad on my account. 

NR: What was, what was on there though? 

MM: It was all pictures of mostly... I do a lot of fetish modeling, so latex, me in latex, pictures of me with whips, with floggers. Lots of pictures of my feet. So many pictures of my feet, but nothing, you know... I don't do any nudity and I don't do any sex acts. So there was nothing on there that actually violated Instagram's terms of service. They just didn't like that I was a dominatrix and they took it down. Five years of work.

NR: Just gone. Sorry about that. 

MM: Yeah, it was a bummer.

NR: You mentioned that you don't do sex work. How does that… how does that work? Like with dommes? So there's no sex involved? 

MM: So it is sex work technically. I don't have sex with my clients. That's my personal choice. I'm a classic BDSM-only meaning I don't do hand jobs, foot jobs, blow jobs. I don't have sex with them. There are people who do full service domination. I'm just not one of them. I have no problem with people doing that. People in the community have very differing opinions on that, to me, to each their own, you know. For me, it's just, I prefer the classic power exchange. For me, the psychological aspect of it is the most exciting thing and that's just my personal preference. I've never wanted to do nudity because it just wasn't for me, there are plenty of people who do and I think more power to you. It's not my place to judge somebody else the way that they operate their business, but there are people, if that's what you're looking for, there are people who do it.

NR: And so do you think that's a misconception with BDSM, that people who are vanilla think that it's just whipping and then whipping your dick out?

MM: Oh, everybody thinks that I fuck my clients, but it's funny because in the BDSM community there are certain people who judge other people who do full service and then outside of the BDSM community vanilla people think that we all do full service, but you know each person has their own way of operating their business. And I've always been very clear on all my websites and on my Instagram that I don't offer that just because that's my personal choice. And there are so many people who just want classic traditional BDSM. They want the traditional power exchange. I find it more often than not. That's what people are looking for.

NR: So would you say that full service isn't as common?

MM: In my experience, it's less common. It's harder to find somebody who will do full service, but it's out there.

NR: And you mentioned that people who do BDSM, some people will look down on people who do full service. Why, why is that?

MM: I think there's a little bit of a mindset of some people that it takes away from traditional BDSM if you're also offering sex acts, it also makes the legal, the line of legality very blurry, right? So technically domination is not illegal because everything's consensual and we're not being paid for sex. When you blur that line by doing full service, sex acts or anything like that, that's when it turns into under the law, prostitution. And that's where you can get in a lot of trouble if you're doing it in a dungeon, right? So most dungeons that you rent from don't allow full service for that reason, because then it becomes like we're already in a legal gray area because domination is technically not illegal, but also you can get busted for it. So when you transition into doing full service or doing sex acts, then you're really, you're really putting the business owner at risk, which is why most dungeons don't allow that. For myself, it's a big thing. I don't want to get arrested and it's never, it's never been on my list of like, “This is part of what I want to do.”

NR: What Maia does do is a variety of things, and while they may not seem like quote unquote, “sex” to some people, what she does with her clients is sex for them and it can be pleasurable for her. 

MM: So a scene is any length of time that you spend doing a BDSM power exchange, right? So like I can do a foot worship scene that can be five minutes long. I can do a spanking scene. That can be 20 minutes long. I can do a full on session, which is typically an hour, anywhere from an hour to three hours. Like a foot worship scene can be sex. I have a client who flies to see me once a month. He flies in from somewhere on the East Coast. He wants an hour-long session of me stepping on him in stiletto heels. That's it, that's sex for him. It's not for me. I love it. So fun. I get such a rush and such a high from the power in that moment, but it's not sex. But yeah, for him me walking on him in stilettos is sex, but it's not sex for me. I get a rush from it. I get like a psychological high from it, from the feeling of overpowering him, but it's not sex.

NR: I'm just curious about something. Like say, like this guy who you're stepping on, um, does he get hard from that? 

MM: Yes! Okay!

NR: And then what happens with that desire? Does his penis come into play at all?

MM: Great question. There is genital play involved. I do a lot of CBT, cock and ball torture, which involves genital play. Some dommes allow their clients to release at the end of the session. Some don't. I typically don't, unless it's a client who I have a long standing relationship with, or that's part of their fetish, because I think that the anticipation of it is even better than the actual release.

NR: And you said CBT?

MM: Yes. Not cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT is cock and ball torture. It typically involves light bondage. There are specific bondage techniques where you use rope to tie the cock and balls up. Personally I'm really well known for clothes pinning, meaning I use clothespins to take skin on the balls and pinch it and around the cock. And I've done very elaborate artwork with clothespins, different colored clothespins. I taught a class at DomCon two years ago about CBT called “Creative Clothes Pinning.” So yeah, it's one of my favorite things.

NR: While the things Maia does with her clients may not be sex for her, people she’s come across, especially people she’s dated can’t seem to understand Maia’s work and what it means to her. 

MM: I never really went out of my way to date kinky people until I got a little bit older and realized that that was important. Through most of my twenties, it looked like me asking my boyfriend to pull my hair. And that was about as far as it went until I started working as a pro. And then I realized once I started working as a pro domme, I realized you can't actually date vanilla people when you work professionally because they don't understand, they don't understand what the dynamic is. They think that you're having sex with all of your clients. People don't actually know what goes on. What happens when I have a session with a client is I'm facilitating a power exchange. I'm allowing them to let go in a world where in their life, they may never have the opportunity to let go. So it's not about sex. And that's the thing that people don't understand, especially vanilla people. They don't quite get that. It can be this kind of sensual thing where it's, you know, latex, but it's not about sex. I know it sounds crazy. It's hard for people to wrap their brain around it and people who are listening are probably going to be like, “What do you mean it's not about sex?” It's about power and it's about control and releasing control and taking control and the kind of freedom that you feel from a situation where you're totally safe to let go.

NR: Dating men who claimed they were dominant or kinky was also a bit of a challenge for Maia who knew that being a pro domme was definitely something that she wanted to keep doing.

MM: So I stopped trying to date normal vanilla people. And then I started dating kinky guys who were domme's because I thought, “Oh, we have that in common.” This will work. And that went really badly. That went really badly. They would all want to experiment and switch with me. And this happened three times in a row in a very short window of time. I would go out with a guy. We would talk. I used to use it as a litmus test. Right. I would say right up, “I'm a professional dominatrix. If that scares you, then this should be the end of our date,” and they would be like, “Oh, no, that's cool. I want to know more about it. Tell me what you do. I want to see your toy bag. Like, let's play. I want to bottom for you. I want to submit to you.” And so I go, “Okay, cool.” So we'll do like a little light scene, meaning nothing crazy, nothing scary, just a little light... do it at your house or whatever. And every single time they would get immediately freak out. Right? 

NR: What these men were freaking out about was that they were experiencing sub drop. Sub drop happens after the bottom feels a rush of chemicals to their brain as a result of the play. Almost like a high. Once those chemicals start wearing off though, the bottom might feel confusion or shame about what just happened.

MM: You start to feel guilt and shame and all of these feelings of, “Oh, that was weird.” You have this rebound of like, “Oh, I don't know what that was.” And people get really scared by that feeling. And most of the time, people don't talk about that feeling with their partner and all of these guys who are dominant, who would experience sub drop would freak out and then text me and be like, “I don't think we can see each other anymore,” because they didn't know. And then I said, “Okay, well maybe I need to date a submissive guy because maybe he'll understand. He knows what sub drop is. They've all experienced it.” So I went on a date with a guy who was a submissive who was also a cop, which was a super weird dynamic. So confusing. And I couldn't do it. I was like, “I don't want to be in control all the time. There needs to be some kind of back and forth here. Like it can't be all one thing all the time.”

NR: Dating as a pro domme for Maia meant doing this little dance for a while before finding a person who could be more than one thing for her without freaking out. 

MM: When I met my partner, he considers himself to be very submissive, but in life he's very much kind of a dominant personality. He runs a business. He is super dynamic and charismatic. He's very much outgoing, extroverted. And he really matches me very well in the dynamic of, he's not trying to have me boss him around all the time or anything like that. He runs his business, we work together. But then he also is able to relax into a submissive role in a way that fits really well. And it's hard for me to pinpoint one particular thing, but I think his fluidity with his ability to communicate what he needs and also know that I'm not going to be one thing all the time, like “I'm Maia, but I'm so many other things besides that.” And he allows me to be all the things rather than these men that I've dated in the past, who wanted me to just be Maia all the time. 

NR: Maia is now engaged to her partner. The interview you just heard was actually from October 2019. I recently called Maia up again to see how things are now that she’s newly engaged and well in... quarantine.

MM: So I don't feel comfortable taking clients right now, but I am doing custom videos. I did one yesterday where I was crushing fruit. So I was like crushing a banana. I do like some really fun ones and I have some great clients who have fun requests and, you know, I'll shoot them outside at my pool or whatever. I get to shoot them at my house and give them kind of the experience of being in the room with me, even though we're far away from each other. So there are ways to connect still.

NR: Yeah, for sure. And these videos, like the one that you were saying about the crushing of the fruit, that's something that people can find on your website then?

MM: You can find it on my website or just send me an email. Usually most of my requests are via email, Twitter, DM. I got a new Instagram page. 

NR: Congratulations. 

MM: Thank you. It's @MaiaMcQueen2020. I don't use it a ton because I use other methods of communication more, but there are some photos up there. 

NR: So something I didn’t really get to ask Maia the last time we spoke was what sex is like with her now fiancé. I got to talk to Maia about that in this interview, and damn, I got to say: I want to visit her house now. 

MM: So one of the things that we do, that I do with my partner that actually a lot of kinky couples do is chastity play, which means... it doesn't mean that we don't have sex. What it means is we play games with the amount of time that he is not allowed to have an orgasm. So he is not allowed to, you know, without, without my permission, no jerking off, nothing like that, and I'm the one who's in control of that. And it actually becomes really fun because we've discovered and, anyone who's ever done chastity playing knows this, but when men go a long amount of time without releasing the chemicals that the brain chemicals that they get from an orgasm, they actually become more gentle, more submissive, more devoted to their partner. So the longer we go in these chastity games, the more he loves the person that he becomes because of it, you know, he says, “I'm a better man when we do this chastity play because I'm more devoted to you.” I came home yesterday and he had washed and folded all of my laundry. And that's not because for any reason other than he felt like he knew it would make me happy. And when the focus is off of your d*ck, you can focus more on the things that actually kind of ground a relationship. And that's one of the things that I love about kinky play. It forces you to look at dynamics in a different way.

NR: What does it do for you other than having these nice things done for you?

MM: I mean, who doesn't love having their laundry done, but what it does for me is it makes me feel empowered. Like I'm the one in control of the circumstances of the relationship. And as somebody who has had times where I've felt powerless, it builds extreme trust. It builds tons of playfulness. And I feel like, you know, it carries over into other areas of my life where I'm like, “I can do anything because I feel confident. I feel empowered.” I feel like our playtime is more intense, it's more intimate. The connection feels deeper when you kind of take the whole “who's going to come” off the table. I am. I’m going to come.

NR: Has he told you how he feels when he finally does? Also, how long will this go for? 

MM: It varies, how long it goes for. 90 days is kind of the longest that we've done, but he's found personally that he's more irritable and in kind of a bad mood after he comes cause we do what's called tease and denial, right? He'll get all excited and kind of come right to the edge where he's about to release and then stop. So you get all of the excitement, all of the fun, all of the play, but then you don't get the big finish. So those brain chemicals, that oxytocin builds up, all those things in your brain, you know? And if you carry it over in a safe, trusting relationship, you don't get that drop. So because he doesn't get that drop, it carries over and he feels amazing. And then eventually when we do, we call it a reset. When he does finally get a release, he actually doesn't feel better the next day, because it's like, we call it day zero. 

NR: Would it be accurate to assume that you being a pro domme and you having these kinks with your partner, that you guys have a pretty cool collection of sex toys.

MM: That would be a very accurate assumption. We are connoisseurs of toys. I have a very awesome collection of stuff that I've been collecting over the years for sessions, but I also have a few things I like. I just got a really beautiful rose gag from the stock room and I may never use this, but it was so pretty. And it's such beautiful craftsmanship. It's really fine leather. It's really nice silicone, you know, so I buy things like this and they're displayed in our home. I have a whole collection on the wall behind me, of kinky artwork. People know when they come to our house, what we're about. I put it away when our families visit and stuff like that, but we're pretty open about that stuff with most of our friends. So we have a pretty impressive collection. My favorite thing that we just recently acquired is a straight jacket.

NR: Can you describe to me how that works?

MM: Sure. A straight jacket is for bondage, basically, it's a quick cheat. If you don't want to tie someone up with ropes, you put them in the straight jacket and then they're kind of at your mercy. So I like to use it for teasing denial because your arms are crossed in front of you like this and bound basically behind your back. So you have no access to your own body and then you're naked from the waist down. So you can kind of do whatever you want to a person. And they have no real  ability to fight back. It's very fun and they look cool.

NR: Seriously, Maia is pretty fucking cool. She is so comfortable and happy in her life and with her sexuality that she kinda makes you want to explore BDSM and kink yourself. Thankfully, Maia has a few pointers on how to do that. 

MM: If anyone is listening who is curious about kink, there are tons of people out there who offer kink coaching. A very good friend of mine, Hudsy Hawn offers kink coaching. And I would highly recommend that if you're curious, reach out to a professional. You can even reach out to me via email and I'm happy to connect with you. It makes it a lot less intimidating to talk to somebody who's done it all and seen it all and can communicate everything with you. Don't be scared of it just because it seems scary. It's actually a lot of fun. You know, I've done sessions where I dress people up in a puppy costume and have them drink out of a water bowl. And, you know, we both laughed for an hour and that can be sex. So it all depends. And don't be shy. Don't be scared, just, you know, it's a very welcoming community. 

NR: Amazing. And where can people find you? 

MM: You can find me at maiamcqueen.com. I'm on Twitter as MaiaMcQueen. I'm on Instagram as MaiaMcQueen2020, or you can send me an email at mistressmaiamcqueen@gmail.com. Happy to answer questions, make custom videos, whatever.

NR: You heard it here, you guys. We’re going to be stuck in this quarantine for a while longer, so why not send Maia an email and learn some ways you can make your sex life a lot more kinkier? This episode was produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Music is by Miguel Gutierrez. Find his music online under his artist name Magh. Chelsea Kwoka is our vocal coach. Our marketing team includes Gabriela Sanchez and Alissa Medina. Our sponsorship manager is Mouna Coulibaly. Make sure to check out our sponsor Fembot Magazine. We also have an Instagram that a lot of you seem to enjoy. Be sure to check that out. And if you like this podcast please, please, please subscribe, rate it and review it. Taking five minutes to write some nice words and rate us on Apple podcasts would absolutely mean the world to us. Thanks again, and stay tuned for our next episode!