How I F*ck with Bipolar Disorder
NATALIE RIVERA: Kiana was Fitzgerald was in the middle of some passionate sex with the guy she had been seeing for some time when she spontaneously told him.
KIANA FITZGERALD: I remember telling him like, I loved you, like, I had never told him that before.
NR: It was romantic, sure, but the state that Kiana was in when she said that made this moment worrisome. Because while she was telling Chris this, she wasn’t really telling Chris this.
KF: I was just very much like, this is like, I've always been, like made for you, like, I've always been for you. And in that moment, like, I thought I was talking about him, but like now, like, I don't think I was talking about God
NR: Kiana was manic, and she was only hours away from experiencing her first manic episode.
NR: This is How I F*ck and I’m your host Natalie Rivera. I, like many people I know, have struggled with my mental health. From extreme periods of depressions to panic attacks, the last thing I had on my mind was sex. Which got me thinking about other people who struggle with their mental health, especially those who have a diagnosis, which I do not. Kiana Fitzgerald, however, does. She has Bipolar type 1 disorder. Bipolar is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, and sometimes the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Currently, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists five types There are three-type of bipolar disorders, the one that Kiana has is type 1, which can involve manic episodes that last for days, or severe manic symptoms that might require hospital care, more on that later. The person will also likely go through depressive episodes. Kiana was diagnosed with it in her 20s, but growing up she didn’t know too much about mental disorders or mental health in general.
KF: I was just talking about this recently, actually, I remember watching cartoons like Ren and Stimpy or Rocco's modern life, and they would have liked the therapist’s session where they'd be like laying on a couch, pouring their hearts out to like, some unknown figure. So I kind of like knew about certain things here and there. Being from the south, from Texas, I very much grew up, like, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, do what you got to do get done
NR: Kiana came face to face with the complexities of mental health outside of the movies and TV she watched when, at 8, she had an episode of what would later be described to her as psychosis. It was the only incident she ever had as a child, but it was a terrifying one.
KF: I broke into my brother's room with a butter knife, and I tried to harm him. And it just kind of came out of nowhere. Nobody knew what was going on with me. They were just kind of like, okay, Canada is acting more abnormally, like, what can we do about this? So my mother, and I think maybe my grandmother made the decision, but definitely my mother for sure. That I should go to the hospital.
NR: Kiana and her family were living in Texas at the time. They were in a pretty small town where everyone knew everyone else’s business, so her family sent Kiana to a hospital about 40 minutes outside of town.
KF: So I was there for about a week. And the other patients ranged in age, I'm pretty sure they were all women, or young girls or, you know, people who identify as women. And yeah, I remember like one woman, she was probably in her like, mid to late teens, and she just like had this full-body like skin issue. So I don't know if that affected her mental state. But I remember that very vividly about her. And then there were like, there was another person who I think was missing, like a limb or something. So it was like, it was, um, it seemed more like a hospital for people with disorders rather than just a mental Ward or psych ward or something like that. I remember wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible because I just felt freaked out, you know, I thought I was I couldn't sleep at night. It was very much a sobering experience for me, like, I kind of quickly came back to myself, quote, unquote, and was like, Okay, I don't want to be here for very long. Let me just do what I got to do to get about here.
NR: This was the only episode Kiana had as a child.
NR: What was your childhood like, you know, other than this incident?
KF: I grew up with a single mother, and my sister and my brother, we lived in section eight, the majority of my young adult life. And, you know, it didn't mean that we had any less, it was just kind of like, okay, like, we have to kind of maneuver through situations in different ways. So it taught me a lot. We were roughing it, you know, moving from place to place probably every couple years, just trying to like, have the best home that we could. And we just literally watch TV and listen to music together every single day. So it didn't give me much it did not give me much opportunity to like meet people and socialize and date around and you know, do things of that sort. So I feel like, in a lot of ways, I'm a late bloomer. I just didn't really have the same kinds of experiences that my peers did, even though like, at school, you know, I was in band, I played the flute and Piccolo, you know, at school, I had a lot of like, events that allowed me to socialize. But once I was removed from those events, it was very much like, Okay, I'm going to be at home underneath my mom and my sister, and we're just going to like dug it out together and not worry about the outside world.
NR: While Kiana had little experience in social settings growing up, she had even less experience with romantic situations.
KF: Yeah, I'll say it was not for lack of trying, I definitely was someone who, I had lots of crushes, you know, growing up, I was like, the crush Queen, I had a notebook, I had like, 15 names, you know, it was like that serious, like, I had crushes on everybody. So um, you know, the only thing was, I was like, very overbearing about it. And I would, like, freak these people out. So they would like to go in the opposite direction, and then all that kind of thing. So there was that, but also, you know, I grow up, I was like, I'm still like, figuring out my physical like, relationship with health and stuff like that. But growing up, I was, you know, overweight, and you can't see me but I have like this gap to smile, and, you know, dark skin, and I have like, natural hair and everything. So, like, that's all fine now. Like, we accept each other as we are now. But like growing up, it was very, like, oh, I don't f*ck with her. Because she looks like that, you know, it was especially in my hometown, which again, I said, was not very many black people's majority white and Hispanic. So it was already like a knock against me that I was black. And then it was another knock that I was dark skin and another knock that I was overweight, and then another knock that I had cricket teeth. So it was like, all these factors that I love now about myself, were considered, unattractive for a very long time.
NR: You said that you freaked the people you had crushes on out. Can you give me an example of a time where you did that?
KF: I was in seventh grade. So um, there was this guy, we'll call him, Joel. And, um, you know, he was in band with me. And he was a year older than me. So I was in seventh grade, he was in eighth grade. And, you know, I just had the biggest crush on him. He was like, this very pretty Hispanic boy, like, he was just adorable.
NR: Kiana wanted to get his attention so she borrowed this velcro kind of shirt from her friend. The shirt came with letters that you could spell words with and stick to the shirt. Kiana used the letters to spell out...
KF: I love Joel. And, and so, you know, I spell this out. And of course, I'm too chicken. So I put a jacket over Exhibit A. And so the whole day, I'm wearing this shirt, and nobody knows. I mean, a couple people know, because like, I like kind of picked it out, like Oh, see what I'm wearing? And um, yeah, so a couple of people like, knew about it. But like, at the end of the day, somebody I think they were being a smartass. They just came over, like, How do you spell Joel's name? Like, I can't figure it out. I'm trying to write this whatever for him. And I was like, unzipping the jacket. Like, here's how you spell it. And everyone's like, oh, like, you know, they couldn't believe like, I was wearing a shirt with like my crutches name on it. But to this day, I can't remember. If he ever knew about it, like if he did, he kept that to himself
NR: Kiana didn’t have her first kiss with Joel, or anyone in her middle school. She actually didn’t have her first kiss until grad school. She was super dedicated to her studies and was really only focused on getting her degrees in journalism and media, but like Kiana said before, she wasn’t dating from a lack of trying.
KF: I was like, I'm 24, dammit, you know, I'm tired of being a virgin. Like I'm ready to get the sh*it over with. And that's like one of my regrets is that I just threw it. I didn't throw it away. That's like some PSA. When you're like 14 type sh*it. I didn't throw anything away. But in terms of sharing that first experience with some One special, I very much was like, low, low bar. I was introduced to this guy through a friend of mine. And he was, you know, very kind and I had no issue with him. But um, yeah, he was just someone that was there. And like he was a hot guy. And, you know, he was in grad school, I was in grad school, like, we're both trying to better ourselves. And I was like, Oh, you know, like, good enough for me. So, like, we started out just like kind of making out here and there. And then, you know, like, progressively like, you know, oh, like, do this, do that, whatever. And, um, eventually, it got to the point where I told him like, I think after a couple of weeks, I was like, okay, you know, let's just do it. And I just remember, like, after it was over, like, the moment itself was very anticlimactic. I wasn't like, you know, it was like, as someone who has had like, crushes and wanted, like, physical touch and things like that for so long, like, it was very much like, okay, like, I feel pressure, right? It's going in and out. All right, like, what is what else is supposed to happen? And, and then it was over pretty quickly. And I ended up leaving his apartment almost immediately.
NR: Kiana graduated and moved to New York after grad school were a lot of the journalism jobs were. She was 27, living in Brooklyn, and freelancing when she met a man who, for the first time in her life, she truly connected with on a sexual and romantic level. We’ll call this man Chris.
KF: So Chris is, you know, the first person that I felt like, I liked as much as they liked me. And they liked me as much as I liked them. I had DJ, this rooftop show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And at the end of the night, I was just kind of sitting in a corner by myself. And he just walks up to me and he says, Hi, like, that's it. Just says hi. And I'm like, hey, like, What do you want? And so I'm trying to figure out like, is the enemy like, is he you know, is he not like, I couldn't really put my finger on it? And then, yeah, so we talked for a couple of hours, and then I end up, you know, like he has to leave to go to another party. So like, automatically, we just, like, give each other a kiss a quick kiss, and we're like, Okay, all right. What does that mean?
NR: They met at a bar the next day and ended up making out there, which is something Kiana just doesn’t do.
KF: I've never been that person. So I was like, Okay, what is what does this mean? Like, as each step happens, I'm like, What does this mean? What does this mean? So, um, we end up like, getting a cab back to my place. And, um, you know, I don't like, we don't sleep together for that night. And then he stays with me. Like, I want to say that whole week, he was staying with me, just like chillin, and we were just having like, a magical time together. And, um, yeah, so it was like, I fell in love immediately. He's the first person who's ever really shown me the attention that I feel that I deserve. And not only that, it was like, we were having really amazing sex. So it was like, I was really into him.
NR: Fast forward a couple months later and Chris isn’t giving Kiana the same attention he had before. His responses just seem to get shorter and shorter, and it’s stressing her out.
KF: So I'm like going overboard, trying to like, get him to understand how much I like him. He's telling me that I'm doing too much. And eventually, it gets to a point where I'm like, you know, what, just leave me alone. They're like, F*ck, if you don't want to, like be about me, like, don't be halfway about it. And then of course, like, he calls me on the phone, he's like, talking me down and making me feel like I'm, I'm the one who's like making this a bigger deal than it really is.
NR: While all of this is happening, Kiana is stressing out about her next paycheck. She’s a freelance journalist, and like most freelancers, is chasing down clients who aren’t paying her on time. On top of that, she needs to find a new place to live after having some issues with her landlord.
KF: Things started to ramp up, so to speak. And by ramp up, I mean, like, my energy changed. And it was just kind of like, I, I something came over me to the point where I was, like, I understand why he has to be like this, like, I had the spiritual transformation. It felt like I had a spiritual transformation. I was like, you know, like, God bless you.
NR: However, thisThis change, this sudden connection to god that she felt started unraveling in the upcoming months. She was raised Christian and went to church growing up, but she was never really that spiritual until that summer. She went back to Texas for a funeral and her family also noticed this change.
KF: You know, listen to like, loud rap music and like, was just like this girl from around the way and then I turn into like, this very, like, ethereal, centered, like, you know, God be with you kind of person. And my friends were like, okay, that's not normal, like, what's, you know, I'm concerned about your mental health.
NR: Kiana didn’t know it at the time, but she was experiencing what is called a manic episode
KF: So mania is like, like I said, the feeling of euphoria. So for me, mania is very, like, beautiful, all-encompassing, world changing, amazing. It was just kind of like, cute little mania, like hypomania, and then more aggressive mania, where I was kind of like, Okay, I'm moving through life as I should, and the universe is conspiring to like, work in my favor, and all those things.
NR: Like I mentioned earlier, mania is a symptom of bipolar disorder. People with bipolar type 1 disorder, which is the type of bipolar that Kiana has, seem to have more manic symptoms than people with Bipolar type 2 and Cyclothymic Disorder, which is the third type of bipolar, have. Bipolar type 1 is also defined as having manic episodes that can last at least for 7 days. Which is what happened to Kiana shortly after moving in with Chris. She was still without an apartment so they planned for her to stay with him for a while.
KF: the other half of my stuff is with a very close friend of mine. Me and Chris had sex while I was medic. And I remember telling him like, I loved you, like, I had never told him that before. And, you know, I was just very much like, this is like, I've always been, like made for you, like, I've always been for you. And in that moment, like, I thought I was talking about him, but like now, like, I don't think I was talking about God, which is really weird. But, you know, that's, that's how I felt.
NR: A couple of days later, Chris goes to work and tells Kiana she should check out the deli next to them. She does, and that’s when her psychotic episodes happened.
KF: I end up like wandering out to the deli next door and trying to get this bacon egg and cheese for free. And the deli guy is like no, you have to pay for this. And I'm like, whatever you know what you're talking about. And then I eventually like wander to the apartment building next door. I try to like knock on people's doors and get them to like, open the door. So I can like help them to find their way to God.
NR: Someone calls the police and Kiana gets picked up and taken to a hospital in the Bronx. As she’s riding in the ambulance, she notices that one of the EMT’s is bald just like Chris.
KF: I was like, Oh my god, you're my new Chris, like, I've ascended to this new realm, like, I'm in love with you your joy of my life, like, we're to be together now. So, um, I get to the hospital, and they're asking me questions like, What's your name? What's your last, you know, what's your first name, your last name, and I just pointed him and I'm like, My last name is his last name, like, what do you mean were together. And so eventually, like, they just write me down as an unknown female, and then his last name, which was Easton. So, um, from that moment, that was kind of my, my, the way that I was addressed.
NR: Because the people in the hospital didn’t know who Kiana was, there was no way they could reach out to her family or friends to let them know she was there. She was reported missing for 36 hours before her loved ones finally realized where she was. She started getting calls and visitors, keep in mind though that she was still experiencing mania.
KF: As I remember, I would just say one nurse’s name over and over and over again. Because like, she was like, what I was holding on to. And so that's like, one of the memories that my family has is just like me repeating myself and being very, very, like, almost like not present.
NR: She stayed at the hospital for five weeks, riding out her psychotic episode.
KF: I can't remember what's up what's down. I don't remember, like, I'm on my period. I don't know how that works anymore. I don't know how to turn the shower on. Like, I don't know how to do anything. And I remember, just like this, this guy that worked there was just looking at me. So sadly, and I was just like, I just remember that moment very vividly. He just looked really sad. I was taken up to the tenth floor of the hospital. And at that point, when I got there, I'm still feeling, you know, godly. I'm feeling like, you know, he's within me, and I have nothing to worry about. So I'm like, yeah, I'm the consummate human being like, yeah, you know, you want me to answer these questions about how I'm doing, I'm doing great, great, great down the line. And so I get checked in to the, to the facility or to that specific ward. And it still doesn't really dawn on me that I'm in a psych ward, I'm still just kind of like, Alright, this is like, a trial. You know, that's kind of how I thought of it as a trial to get into heaven. I at that point, I thought, like, I had never felt the euphoria and the elation that I'd felt before. So I was like, oh, I'm dead, like, I am in heaven now. So I ended up, talking to people trying to, like meet people. And I kind of like stir folks up by talking about Donald Trump and talking about, you know, the water being contaminated because Flint was a really big deal around that time. And, you know, I'm just like, telling people, they don't need to take their pills and like, just, you know, getting everybody like, like, amped up.
NR: She did get visitors while she was there, one of them was actually Chris. The first time he visited her he told her that he loved her, which Kiana wasn’t really able to process at that time. She kind of just brushed it off.
KF: And so he came to visit me again shortly after, and I was a little bit more of myself. And I was like, Did you tell me that you love me? And he's like, Yeah, but just as a friend. And so that kind of like broke me a little bit.
NR: The hospital she was staying at was a bit chaotic, so her family felt it was best that she come home to Texas to finish her recovery. She stayed at a different hospital for about a couple of days where they were able to give her the right dose of medicine. Her mania seemed to subside when she finally left, but what hit next was the reality that her life was nothing like it was 6 weeks prior.
KF: I resumed life, but it was not the life that I was used to, you know, I was like up in Brooklyn with this boyfriend or this situation, ship or whatever. And yeah, I like, I wanted to get back to that. And I didn't realize that I was back in Texas for the foreseeable future, like, this is where you're going to be. So I quickly became depressed. Because, you know, like, the guy Chris wasn't really like responding to me in the way that I had hoped, I thought that we were going to be able to pick up where we left off, and just like, carry through. And he was, you know, have the mindset that, like, I helped you as much as I could, you're on your own, like, you know, like, I'll like I he still had a lot of my stuff in his house. So obviously, we weren't like, never going to talk again. But as far as like daily banter, and things like that, that was over. So not only am I getting over the first guy that I've ever fallen in love with, I'm also getting over this very intense spiritual experience that nobody else seems to comprehend. And those two things together, just like sent me into the deepest, darkest place that I've ever been.
NR: One of the symptoms of bipolar type 1 disorder is depressive episodes. Sometimes they follow right after a manic episode, sometimes not. Either way, Chris wasn’t willing to pick up where they left off. Kiana stayed in Texas for two months before moving to DC with the goal of heading back to New York. She did a fellowship there and ended up getting a job at a hip-hop publication in New York right after. She moved into her own apartment and was finally getting out of her depressive episode which, by then, had lasted almost eight months. She had stopped taking her medication because it was giving her a full-body rash.
KF: I was just like, out there living life. But I was also very stressed out, it was a very stressful job. And again, stress is a very big trigger for me for manic episodes. So um, yeah, I was not manic, like, from, you know, the time I left Texas to the time I moved back to New York, but that those couple of months, I'll guess. I mean, there might have been some ups and downs. But it wasn't clear that I was manic until like, the day that I went into the office. And, you know, I was like, not doing my job. You know, I was just like, wandering around and talking to people being very erratic, saying things that didn't make sense not making complete sentences. And that's when, you know, my co-workers or my bosses were like, okay, we need to get her some help.
NR: Kiana’s second episode lasted four weeks. She was treated in Westchester, New York. That’s where she finally got her bipolar diagnosis. She and her friends had suspected it was bipolar, but it was finally confirmed. Some of the medical professionals she spoke with told her her spirituality was a symptom of her diagnosis. That the reason why she felt she was so connected to god was that she was bipolar.
KF: Like, I've heard that before. So, yeah, so there are like, I've spoken to many people, many, many people. And I've also seen a lot of comments on my TikTok, where I post videos about bipolar where people were like, I understand where you're coming from, like, I also had a deeply spiritual, deeply religious transformation. And so like, on the one hand, it's like, okay, it is a part of the diagnosis because all of these f*cking people are saying the same thing. But it's also like, How can I not acknowledge the fact that I was already heading on that route of, you know, of inner peace in like spiritual, like, you know, ascendance, or essentially, I should say, so, yeah, it's, I guess, it's like, I was already heading in that direction. And it just kind of exacerbated it and made it a lot more intense. But yeah, That's something like I said, I'm still trying to like kind of work through.
NR: Kiana had two more episodes after that, but it was in the summer of 2019, after her third episode that she started feeling hypersexuality. She had been hospitalized for two weeks, went back home for a few days, and was back again in New York not sure if her life would be back to normal again if she would remain in New York forever seeing that she would have episodes that would have her back and forth between Texas and New York.
KF: It was just like it was on, you know, I just kind of figured that, you know, like I'm back. I, at that point, didn't know if I was going to move back home permanently. So I just kind of was like, let me have a good time while I'm here. And then as I like, had those kinds of interactions. And, like, again, dating back to when I was younger, and feeling like I was never the one that was wanted and feeling like very ostracized. You know, I came back in, you know, it was like, I had so many of, you know, options, and people were like, really filling me in, you know, like this guy, you know, like, I would never think you feel for me and this guy, or this girl or whatever, you know, just kind of like, let me take advantage of what's in front of me while I'm here.
NR: She was still manic from her last episode that summer and slept with multiple partners that summer, which was unusual for Kiana who had little experience with sex before then.
KF: I did not. It's not that I didn't care about people, but I was, they were a means to an end. I was very much like, I, I gotta have it, I want to do it. Are you going to be that person or not? And most of the time, people are like, Okay, sure. Sure. Yeah, let's, let's go for it. So I wasn't getting rejected in that sense. So I thought that everything was perfectly fine. But in hindsight, you know, I could have treated some people better. I know that, like, you know, in certain situations, I was ruthless in terms of like, not acknowledging that people were falling for me as a person and not just like, there to have sex with me. Yeah, so I have some, you know, I don't regret anything, but I have like, there were some missteps, for sure. And, you know, I just, I'm glad that the people that were affected by that time, like either, like we kind of like, said our goodbyes, and that's it, or I'm still in touch with them. And we like kind of are rebuilding a different kind of connection.
NR: At that point in her life, Kiana had already written about her bipolar disorder. She had started openly talking about it after news came out about Mariah Carey’s bipolar, so the people she slept with knew about her disorder.
KF: I am very open about my diagnosis. If you go to my Instagram page, you'll see multiple things about me being bipolar on there, it's clear, it's very, very clear. I don't hide it from anyone. If they need to know anything further about it like if they have questions about how it affects certain things, they certainly were open to asking me about it. But it was never like a barrier or anything, I didn't. At the moment, like, I didn't really realize that I was being, hypersexual, I was just kind of like, this is how this is where I'm at right now. Like, I just gotta have time I get it. So um, I didn't really tell them like, Oh, this could be a side effect of me being manic. It was just kind of like, this is how Kiana is like, this is how I know her, you know, because a lot of those people were new partners.
NR: She didn’t really speak to the people she was sleeping with about her being in mania or about her disorder. Again most people seemed to already know that she was bipolar, and either way, Kiana wasn’t interested in talking.
KF: I mean, some people like, like, there was one person who was more interested in me as a person. And she, like, she would talk to me more about it, like, we would have actual conversations about it. So like, there was that, but for the most part, like, it wasn't something that was really a thing, like, you know, it was just kind of like, they would show up to my apartment, we get down to business, and I would ask him to leave, or they would leave on their own. So it didn't, for the most part, we really didn't have multiple opportunities to like talk about it. But there was one person who was like, more interested in like, my life in general, and the things that were involved in that.
NR: It sounds like you kind of also was like, confident during this time, is that fair to say?
KF: Yeah.
NR: Did that kind of make the experience better? Like, were you having really good sex?
KF: So when I was with Chris, like, that was probably actually, as of this moment, probably the best sex I've ever had. With or without mania, but definitely with mania was like a whole other experience. But once I started, I like having sex during that summer. I didn't really care about like, was getting pleasure or not, it was just kind of like, this person thinks I'm hot. They want to do this. Like, that's what was motivating me, it wasn't so much like the end result. It was like the lead up to like, you know, the flirting the date. And then, like, once we like, have established that we find each other attractive, then getting to the point.
NR: According to the Mayo Clinic, Hypersexuality is basically defined as compulsive sexual behavior. It's an excessive preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors that might be difficult to control.This doesn’t mean only having sex with other people, it can also come in the forms of excessively watching porn, cybersex, or masturbating, which Kiana did a lot of during this time.
KF: It was just like, a lot of masturbation, a lot of like, what is it called? Like the Hitachi wand, I think, is what it's called. Or it's like the magic wand, it's like, like, a white thing with like, a tennis ball-shaped head or whatever. That thing was my best friend like that summer, like we, we, I had a great time with that device. And it was just like, I was freelancing at that time. So I had nothing but time. And that's like, a majority of what I did like, during the day, and then like, I would, like, hang out with my friends the rest of the time.
NR: How many times a day would you say you were masturbating?
KF: It wasn't even like how many times Um, so it was just like how long? And it was like maybe a few hours at a time, you know? And then like, I'd take a break and like, do something or make food or whatever. And then I'd like to do it for a couple more hours. So it was just like very much like, a marathon for me.
NR: Kiana looks back at the summer and wonders if she would have done what she did were she not manic. She doesn’t have regrets, though she does see that summer as a learning experience.
KF: I mean, just like the hypersexual thing, you know, if I do become manic in the future, and I'm with a partner, just like, letting them know that this is, excuse me, letting them know that this is something that will come with the territory, and, like, probably shouldn't take advantage of it, even though like, I'm probably going to be begging for it. But, you know, like, you just kind of need to ride it out with me, and let me come down, and then we're gonna have like, you know, our, you know, regular or whatever, hopefully, not just regular, but like great sex. But um, yeah, it's definitely something that is always like, kind of hovering, you know, in the back of my mind, like, what are the things that I need, to be honest about? Because, you know, there's that and then there's also the depressive end of it. You know, like, as I said earlier, if I'm going through a depressive moment, I don't want to do anything at all. And I would hope that my partner would understand that as well.
NR: Do you anticipate experiencing hypersexuality again, like that summer?
KF: I mean, honestly, at this point, like, it's just statistically likely that I will have another manic episode like it's probably just gonna happen. So I mean, I would hope that I will find a partner in the near future. And if I am with someone at that time, you know, like, I don't mind just being straight up with them and being like, Look, this is what I'm going through right now. This is what I need at the moment and then I'll come out of this or whatever. But um, you know, it's kind of like, you know, as long as I am, like, Cognizant and aware of what's happening, I don't see an issue. It's just kind of like, like, the second time I had sex with Chris, when I was manic and going through those experiences like I don't like, I don't remember it very vividly. I remember the first time very vividly, but the second time, it's kind of hazy. So like, that's a situation in which I would kind of be like, Okay, if you notice it, like, I'm not myself at all, or I'm not making sense, or I'm not coherent. Like, this is not a situation in which we should engage in sex.
NR: Kiana isn’t ready to be in a relationship right now anyway, but not because of her bipolar disorder. After her fourth and last episode to date, Kiana moved back to Texas permanently in December of 2019. She figured it would be best if she lived near her family. She dated someone briefly, and while he seemed nice, Kiana didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship just yet. Sure, a lot of her friends have married and settled down, but that’s not in the cards for Kiana right now, and it’s not just because of her disorder.
KF: I think I still need to do some personal work. When I think about like my future in terms of relationships, or kids or marriages, or dogs or anything like that. I like that being bipolar almost has nothing to do with it. I think there are other things that I'm like I said, I'm trying to work through work on personally and professionally, that like, I just like, my friends are doing incredible things. And you know, I'm very proud of everybody, but like, I've always kind of been on a different track. And there's nothing wrong with my track. There's nothing wrong with their track. But I just acknowledge that I, I got certain things I want to do first, you know, and, um, you know, if I meet someone, during the process of me doing what I'm trying to do, then that's f*cking great. Let's partner up, let's take over the world together, or let's boost the world together rather. And, um, you know, so I don't think that me being bipolar has anything to do with that. It's, it's a thing that like, yes, there are some difficulties or some caveats or whatever. But it's not necessarily like, taking me out of the game.
NR: Kiana, where can people find you?
KF: So you can find me on TikTok. My name is Kiana Fitzgerald there, so first and last, it's very straight up. And you can also find me on Twitter as @KianaFitz. And my Instagram is @outfoxxed which is not related to my name at all.
NR: Thank you so much for talking with me. I learned so much and yeah, I really appreciate you opening up.
KF: Yeah, thank you.
NR: Thank you for listening to How I F*ck. If you like our podcast, give us a rating, leave us a review. Tell a friend. And please, subscribe if you haven’t already. Follow us on Instagram or Twitter, our handles are at howickpodcast, that’s “How I F*ck,” without the “u” so “fck.” We also have a website, howifckpodcast.com, again without the “u.” There you can find all of our episodes as well as show notes, transcriptions, sources, and photos. How I F*ck is produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Original music by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under the artist name Magh. Thank you again for listening. Until next time.