How I F*ck in a Throuple

NATALIE RIVERA: All right, so if we could just go around and like everyone can introduce themselves. 

JOHNISHA: So I'll start. I'm Johnisha.

DESTINY: I'm Destiny.

JERON: And I'm Jeron.

NR: Okay. Great. I'm curious how old is everyone?

JOHNISHA: I'm 32.

DESTINY:  I'm 31.

JERON: And I'm 28

NR: Oh, you're the youngest.

JERON: You sound surprised though, so that's a good thing.

NR: I am surprised, I don't know why. I think that maybe it’s the really bad stereotype that boyfriends are always older or something. I think it's that but you’re also mature obviously.

JERON: That's how I took it.

NR: That's how you should take it. That was it totally it. 

NR: This is How I F*ck and I’m your host, Natalie Rivera. What you just heard is an interview I did with possibly one of the most joyful throuples I’ve ever met. They laughed a lot in our interview, and I don’t think it was nervous laughter from being on a podcast about sex. If I had to guess I would say it was genuine laughter coming from three people who are in a happy and sexy relationship with each other. Yes, in case you didn’t know already, a throuple is a term used to describe three people who are in a relationship with each other, something neither Johnisha, Destiny nor Jeron ever imagined themselves to be in.

NR: What was everyone's exposure to relationships that weren't monogamous?

JOHNISA: I didn't know if it would be something possible, because I'm like, you know, what are the odds that you find two people that you're getting along with? Because at that time, for me, it was hard for me to find one person that I was getting along with. So I was like, for me to find two, maybe slim to none.

NR: That’s Johnisha. By the way, bear with me here as I go back and forth between names. Anyways, Johnisha grew up in Long Island and is the middle child in her family. She felt unnoticed as a child and would cause a lot of trouble. To this day, nothing Johnisha does shock her family, even her relationships with Destiny and Jeron. 

JOHNISHA: They're never shocked at what I do. Like, I can announce the craziest thing and they’re like, “Okay.”

NR: Johnisha and Destiny are both from Long Island. Jeron is from Connecticut. All of them had pretty different experiences growing up: Jonisha had middle child syndrome, Destiny grew up with a single Latina mother and Jeron is the oldest of five. While different from each other, all of them grew up in what could be called conventional households, from conventional marriages, even conventional divorces. Every now and then though, they would all get glimpses of quote-unquote “unconventional lives,” or non-monogamy.

NR: What was everyone's exposure to relationships that weren't monogamous?

JOHNISHA: I saw the show Big Love, but they're dynamic….they had like, three, I think three or two houses with different wives in it. So in that part of it, I was like, “Oh, no.” And then, later on, I saw where there was like a throuple where like all three people together, where there was all one income, where they were all taking care of the kid. I guess Big Love did that too, but not everyone was together. It's kind of like separate but equal. And so when I saw the whole throuple thing, I was like, “Oh, that's… I like that a little bit more, you know, that one, I like that one.” You know, you can have, the best of both worlds.

DESTINY: I definitely saw Sister Wives. I remember that for sure because my mom and I…it was funny, my mom used to love that show. I used to think that dynamic was definitely strange, but not in a bad way. But I just, I guess I also gravitated towards it being more inclusive, like just like the separation and sort of like almost like there's like a hierarchy there. Because I felt like there was like the first wife and she was more like…I don't know that she was more important than the rest, but it kind of seemed that way. So I didn't know if like, that was like, sort of how it was. But then I do remember, I still watched VH1 and like MTV. I don't know if it was on one of those channels, but some guy showed up on a thing and he was apparently a porn star but he had two wives. And they were like in a throuple. Like his two wives were together, like they would sleep with each other. And he would sleep with, you know, his wives. And it was just, I found that kind of more interesting.

JERON: I don't really have like, I don't think like any profound like experience where I saw something and I was like, “Oh, that's polyamory that's interesting, or not interesting.” I feel like it's kind of been here and there, like, in different ways. But I will say I always remember thinking, you know, as a kid, especially, seeing different relationship dynamics, and then me getting into different relationships, and just hearing different stories from different people. I always remember thinking that it was weird because every relationship in my head always ended with cheating. And I always remember thinking, it was weird to think that, like, you're going to meet one person, and then you're going to just stop being attracted to everybody else. I always thought that was weird. 

NR: Jeron loves women, especially growing up. He had a lot of experience with girls in high school, though he didn’t have penetrative sex until he was 17, around the same age Destiny started having sex. For Jeron, it was about satisfying his partners that did it for him. 

JERON: I would always like, flirt with girls and please them. Yeah, like I was, I was very much like a whore in that way. I feel like it is weird, but I feel like I've taught so many girls. Like, “Oh, we should have sex,” and like “no, this is what you should do.” And that’s like mad weird when I think about it.

NR: Johnisha had the earliest sexual experiences out of the three of them, from the time she was 14. Her earlier experiences were only with men until she was 22 and had her first girlfriend. Being with this woman just seemed more satisfying for her: Before, she had never really felt content in her sexual relationships with men.

JOHNISHA: I was like okay, I'm a lesbian. And it wasn't until a couple of years down the line where I actually met a guy where we had a connection. And then I actually started feeling sexually pleased and everything else with him. I was like, “Okay, oh,” and started learning more about myself like, “Okay, well, you know, so I need a connection. It's not just about the sex, it's about the person, the connection, and things like that,” which made me realize that you know, I'm fluid and I like both.

NR: Both Johnisha and Destiny had been in relationships with women prior to meeting each other. Like Johnisha, Destiny also didn’t have her first sexual relationship with a woman until she was in her early 20s. When Destiny was 25, she was working at a pharmacy company, at their office in New York, where she still lived. They would have to communicate a lot with their Connecticut office. That’s how she met Jeron. 

DESTINY: I was constantly talking to him on the phone because that was how we had to talk to the different locations. On email…

JERON: I got her with email because I'm a great writer. It would just be like these super long emails for like a simple question.

DESTINY: For real, like “It was a dark and stormy night and I wanted you to know that while I was sitting here pondering my thoughts, I thought you were the most beautiful.” This guy wrote me a whole paragraph and all I asked him was “Hey, did you get my last email.”

NR: Like a lot of romances, their story started with a flirtationship that lasted a few months before officially becoming a couple. It ended a couple of months later, though, to Destiny’s surprise and devastation. 

DESTINY: He was going through his own personal things that he needed to grow from. And then we ended up separating, he ended up realizing, you know, at this time in my life, I'm not gonna be able to give you what you need. I can't give you what you deserve. He's like, I'm not going to be the boyfriend that you want me to be right now. And I don't think that it's fair to keep you stringing along, basically. And I didn't want to hear that, you know, I was like, No, but you're so great. And we're so great. Like, why can't we make this work? And so for a while, he had to put some really hard boundaries up with me because like, I definitely wanted to stay in his life. And it was hard for me because, you know, it was the first experience that I felt like somebody actually showed that they cared about me that I wanted to hold on to it. 

NR: Destiny and Jeron did hold onto that connection. They stayed in each other’s lives and remained friends. A year or so later, Destiny met Johnisha and the sparks flew again. 

DESTINY: Jeron gave me that small taste of what I should be settling for. And essentially…what I should be looking for. That’s the right word. So when she came into my life, she was that and so much more. We have such a strong connection and bond again, in the beginning. We hit it off. Like I felt like we knew each other for years.

JOHNISHA: Like I knew her in a past life. Like, the first time we talked, it was just like, I knew her for years. 

DESTINY: Our relationship was built on jokes and laughter So that was something that was definitely… I feel like attracted to me because I love to laugh. I think that definitely attracts me with each individual person that I ever dated. But for sure, like that was something that like, we just love messing with each other, like joking with each other and making each other laugh and doing silly sh*t. 

NR: The two dated for several years, eventually moving in together and getting engaged in 2019. The two were and still are of course, great together. They could really talk to each other about anything and they would be curious about everything together, including polyamory. They watched documentaries and heard podcasts about the topic and were intrigued. They talked about hypotheticals, like would we do this? If we did how would we do it?

DESTINY: We both kind of collectively knew that we didn't want to have an open relationship because we didn't want to just have a threesome because to us like sex is an important part of our relationship, but it's also a spiritual connection for us. And it was like something that we didn't want to just have casual sex with just a third person. So what we wanted, what we both decided, you know, or discovered, I guess, in our talks was that, if we were to do this, it would have to be something serious. So we talked about it, but I don't think I ever thought that it would be possible at that time. You know, she made the point, it's so hard to find somebody that you connect with solely and to like have a third person that the two of you connect with, like, that seems so foreign to me.

NR: Destiny and Jeron were still communicating around this time. .Johnisha had heard of Jeron and didn’t mind that Destiny was still close friends with him. Later in 2019, Jeron and his then-girlfriend broke up and the texting became more frequent.

JERON: I broke up with my ex and I was still living with her for like, a couple of months. So it was rough. It was, super rough. So that's why we really started like, you know, you're just like, kind of checking in and just, you know, making sure I was good and everything like that. I always felt bad. Like, when we were friends because I didn't know what your dynamic was. So like, I always felt like, one day, she's gonna look at your phone, and she's gonna be like, “Why are you f*cking talking to him.” 

NR: Johnisha never reacted that way though. She knew her fiance that she was living with was talking to her ex and that was okay. She trusted her. By January 2020 though, Destiny wanted Jeron to meet Johnisha. 

DESTINY: I don’t know what came over me but one day I was like “Oh, you know, you should meet her like, you know, we should talk.” So I guess one day, we just started to talk and we formed a group chat.

NR: At first the conversations would be about spirituality. The three of them are spiritual so that was something they all had in common that they could all talk about. About three months in the texting started to get a little flirty. After a while, Jeron started texting Johnisha separately, without Destiny. And then there were the texts he had with just Destiny also. Something was happening here…. And they all knew it. Well, most of them did. 

JOHNISHA: I didn’t think he liked me.

DESTINY: I knew she was gonna say that!

JERON: So in my head, when I think back on it, how I see it. In the beginning, I didn't really, I didn't really see it becoming what it was. In the beginning, like the first like, couple months, probably like the first like two or three months, we were talking, I didn't really think of it like that. I don't know exactly at what point it changed. But even before we met each other, I kind of knew that this is what it was going to be. I just, felt like the timeline was just a little different. I felt like, like, maybe Destiny was like, kind of like forcing it. And I'm very much a very organic person. So I was like, it's gonna get there when it gets there. 

NR: Were you guys texting, sexting at all in between this?

JERON: Every once in a while I just like, you know, blessed the group chat with…. wasn't even from before, though, because I think we had started kind of like…

JOHNISHA: Subtle. Yeah. It was like subtle. Yeah.

DESTINY: We never really showed our like parts. Our full anatomy. We weren't really sending nude pictures. But it was like those sexy like, little subtle little, you know, like, type pictures to each other.

JOHNISHA: You’ve seen the parts though.

DESTINY: Exactly. And that was kind of what increased for us for sure. We were sexting. We were video chatting. We were doing all sorts of sexy time on the phone. 

NR: The three of them decided to finally see each other, to hang out all three of them together for the first time. Now keep in mind that their blooming flirtationship was long distanced: Destiny and Jonhisha live in New York, while Jeron was still in Connecticut. Also, this is 2020, so COVID. Plans kept getting delayed because of the pandemic, but ultimately Jeron flew out to spend a weekend with them in their apartment.

JOHNISHA: He slept in the living room.

DESTINY: He was a gentleman and he didn't try anything that first night. It was really sweet. 

NR: What about the second night?

JOHNISHA: The second night?! He tested that Kama Sutra book he got in the sixth grade. 

JERON: That's our first weekend. I don't think we actually…

JOHNSIHA: Yeah, we didn't have sex.

JERON: But we messed around a little.

JOHNISHA: First time, I felt like it would have been probably weird, I guess if we would have broken off into like, two pairs. So like the first first time it was all of us.

NR: This great weekend only proved to them more that what they have was definitely something worth pursuing.

DESTINY: It was hard to be apart at first, you know.

JOHNISHA: Now we got the connection. So I would want to be together.

DESTINY: That was exactly what happened. So it was just like, it was like, almost like, “Can it be sooner? Like, why does it have to be a month like, next weekend?” We wanted to see each other and spend more time with each other.

NR: Jeron flew out again the following month. That’s when they started having sex… not all of them together though. 

JOHNISHA: We broke off to have our own moment. And like, you know, be able to connect and everything else.

DESTINY: And I made sure to check in with her on that one too because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. And I don't want to make her feel like if I chose to go to that next level of having sex with Jeron, will she feel uncomfortable? Will that make her feel pressured into doing it. And again, she always reiterates the same thing to me, you can't push me to do sh*t. I’m not 14. You can’t pressure me to do anything. I'm not that same person. Like, if I don't want to do something, I don't want to do something. So I was like, Okay, I respect that. But I just want to check in and make sure. So I even checked in and made sure like, you know, the first time that you guys connect, like maybe it should just be like the two of you. I don't want to feel like you guys have like this pressure of me being there. You know, whether it's watching or whatever. Like I probably would be awkward if I was there for the first time. So they had their separate moment. And it was organic. I think that needed that to happen.

NR: In July, Johnisha and Destiny had their Zoom wedding. A month later the three of them decided to take a mini vacation or throupication as Destiny called it. By then, Jeron had spent so much time with them, staying with them up in New York for weeks at a time. Because they didn’t want to fly during a pandemic, they decided to drive to Maryland for a little getaway together. When they got back, Jeron had something weighing on his mind.

JOHNISHA: I will never forget that because he was like, “I was gonna wait, but I think this is the right time.” And I'm like, “What is he talking about?” He loves using metaphors. He's like, “Cause I don't want to be on a boat out there without a paddle and I know how to get back.” And then he was like, he was like, “Will you be my girlfriends,” and I'm like, Oh!

JERON: Yeah, because I think I was kind of holding off, not because I didn't think it was right. Just because, I don’t know…

DESTINY: You didn't want to be like have old patterns…

JOHNISHA: Rushing.

JERON: Right? I didn't want to feel like I was rushing into it. But then I also was like, Well, I'm basically living out here like, this is already a thing. Like, I was just kind of like waiting for like this magic moment in within myself. Then just one day I realized like, “Oh, yeah, this is it. There isn't like a magic moment. Just randomly one day on the couch. I was just like metaphors.

NR: Jeron moved in with them a few months after that. So while most of us were making bread, Destiny, Johnisha and Jeron were starting a throuple relationship and moving in together during a pandemic.

JOHNISHA: I definitely think the pandemic sort of helped our relationship thrive. Definitely, like you said it was fast forward motion, but I think that it helped bring us together because there are no outside forces, there's no like, keeping up with like, you know, the Jones or whatever. I feel like it took a lot of pressure off of like, having to do what normal couples do, in a sense on a day to day basis, because literally, we got to get to the nitty-gritty of it and just sat there with like having like these conversations, having these hard talks and just spending all this time together, that I feel like we've unpacked so much in however many months we've done this now that it's like, it feels like we've been dating for longer than what we really have. Because it's been just nonstop of us dissecting and talking and so yeah. Yeah, getting to the root of our issues. I feel like we've done so much work on us that we've literally, we've set like this strong foundation for us that, yeah, it's just it's a good feeling to have.

JERON: I felt like, outside of a pandemic, you know, there is more like space and time in between and stuff like that. I feel like, with the pandemic, like you were saying, there's nowhere to hide. It's like, you know, where you might have a problem in a relationship where you are living apart, or where you have a job, and you know, you have all these other things to do and kind of hide behind. It was like, during this time, it was like there's nothing to hide behind. It's like, either we're gonna deal with it or not.

NR: Did everyone tell their like family and friends that this relationship was happening and what were their reactions?

JOHNISHA: My family's never surprised by anything I do. My dad came over here and didn't even question who he was. No shocker. No one's going to say something like…

DESTINY: My immediate family, my siblings know, and they, they've accepted me and they don't really have much to say, I mean, my brother comes over here all the time, and hangs out with all of them. So he, I think he he said it perfectly to me. He's like, sometimes, like, you know, even if you feel like that, it might be a weird dynamic. Sometimes when you're exposed to it, and you actually see what it is he's like, you know, you realize that it's a pretty normal relationship, like, “Oh, they just joke around and rap on each other all day.” And you know, and they just have a funny relationship. You know, that's it, like, and he's like, it's normal to me, and if they're happy, that's all that matters to me. So, you know, I'm grateful for that. I guess, some people aren't as open to the idea. Or it's not even that, I would say that, it's just, I guess when you have to wrap your brain around it, in a sense, and sometimes I guess you need time to process that, like, what does this all mean?

NR: The responses Jeron gets from friends or just people he knows has been especially positive, like very congratulatory. 

JERON: I feel like that is a lot of the response that I get, you know, from guys is definitely, you know, like, “Oh, you have two girlfriends like, That's the dream like you're living a dream.” I personally, I mean, I haven't experienced any negativity like towards them. I haven't really experienced anybody like, you know, judging or looking down on them or anything like that, but I'll definitely say like, it's definitely a lot of like, enthusiasm and like that kind of that same reaction from most of the guys that figure it out.

JOHNISHA: Yeah, I've never really had anybody look down like I usually I'll hear like, if I'm like, “Oh, yeah, I have a girlfriend and boyfriend,” they’re like “That's a lucky guy.” Well, I'm a lucky woman. How about that?” Like, “Oh, he’s blessed.” Like, “Okay, we're all blessed.”

NR: So a one-bedroom apartment, three people, and a pandemic that has lasted for almost a year now. Yeah, how does that work especially if you’re a throuple that mostly has sex in pairs like Johnisha, Destiny and Jeron does, because believe it or not, their relationship isn’t all threesomes all the time. 

DESTINY: We have a healthy sex life. Like anybody in a regular relationship where you just don't feel like having sex or you know, whatever…

JOHNISHA: So yeah, so you know, we have our options open. But yeah. We don't have sex, like all the time, all the time. You know, it's not like crazy sex group sex every day. It’s too much to have a threesome. It's a lot. It's a lot.

DESTINY: What if you just want t a quickie? Right?

JOHNISHA: So there's that, you know, sometimes you just want a quickie sometimes, you know, it's a process. And sometimes, you know, with that being said, with a quickie, sometimes that means you got to get yourself off quickly.

DESTINY: I don't know. So yeah, it's just a normal, I would say I would categorize it as a normal relationship. Like in the beginning, when you first have sex, even with your partner, when you're starting a relationship, it's new. So when you first start with that person, you want to have sex with them all the time. And then eventually, you guys are like, Alright, this is cool. Now we're gonna, we're gonna have a healthy sex life. Now we can slow down a bit. 

NR: I know that you all don't have sex together, but you have them separately. Do you let the other person know like, “Hey, we're gonna go have sex in this room?”

JOHNISHA: Sometimes it's just like, a random like, “I’m going to have sex with king,” and I’m like “Oh, okay.”

NR: Did you say king?

DESTINY: Those are our pet names for each other.

DESTINY: Yeah, no, to answer your question. I mean, sometimes Yes. We're blunt. Sometimes we're like, “So we're about to f*ck. You want to come, you want to come to watch? You want to be a part of this?”

JOHNISHA: If you want to coach yeah. Oh, yeah. If you want to direct, direct.

DESTINY: Sometimes it will just happen because I still work from home. So there are times when if he's off, and you know, they're still sleeping in bed that they literally will have sex and I'll just kind of hear like the bed rocking. And I'm on the call. I'm like, “Damn it. They're having a great time.” And I'm like joking. We're obviously not jealous. I was like, yeah, so I'm just like, you know, whatever. And then they have their moments like that are there are times when like, you know, one of us goes to the store or somebody goes somewhere else, like, you know, and so that'll leave us time to do things…

JOHNISHA: You know, we will do three of us too.

DESTINY: Yeah, so we still do so obviously, we still have the three of us, depending on how we're all feeling.

JOHNISHA: Yeah, you know, it's like maybe it's not, you know, you don't want to like you know, I don't wanna have sex today, but I think I'll watch right. Oh, whatever it is, or I'm gonna just watch TV or something.

DESTINY: Yeah, cause there have been times where you know, you don't feel good or you just feel like you know, you're not like in the mood to have sex. So you know, if they're, if they're getting flirty or whatever, and they're kissing I might just sit this one out, you know, but it's kind of like an understood thing. Like, obviously, I'm always welcomed.

NR: But sometimes there is jealousy. I mean it’s normal that there be some kind of jealousy regardless of the relationship dynamic. They work this together through communication, a kind of system they have in place. 

JOHNISHA: We can tell when, when each other's off. So we will approach each other like, “Alright, so where are you at? Like, are you at a green light, which you know, means like, you're good to talk, or a yellow, you know, you're okay, but you don't want to talk about it right now.” And like, red is just like, I don't be bothered. So we usually, you know, use that system to kind of gauge and then talk about things and, also we'd like to do like, “Alright, if you're not, if you don't want to talk about it, right now, that's fine. But we would like for you to address this when you're ready. Because we don't want to leave this, you know, in the air or unsettled or just like you just get over it, we want to at least get to the root of this. Because usually when there is an issue that we're having, it's not that the initial problem is the stuff that's built up, could be maybe something I needed to deal with the two of them, or even, it's just maybe something with yourself. So we usually like to just make sure that we come into it without egos. Yeah, and kind of letting the purse person talking, feel hurt.

DESTINY: Make sure to validate and understand each other's feelings. Because at the end of the day, we realize that we're all human, and it's going to be a human reaction to get jealous sometimes, or to feel off or to not have a good day. And I think it's important to understand where that's coming from, understand why they feel that way. And, you know, validate them. And then also, a lot of the times when that person, like, let's say, I'm feeling jealous or insecure about something, a lot of times I realize it is just a meeting, like, it's nothing that you guys did, because when I realized that, what everyone's intention was behind that action, I'm like, there, they weren't intentionally trying to make me jealous by hanging out with each other, or by doing something outside of me, or by having a conversation without me. It's just, I feel this way because of x, y, and z, or because of past traumas, or whatever it was, you know, not having that same space to communicate my feelings, you know, before then maybe now I'm feeling you know, like, it's threatening that same feeling. Again, you know, it's making me feel like, inadequate in that moment. And I'm like, you know, so I think it's important to recognize that to do the self-discovery and the self-worth, but then to also be able to voice it and know that the other people are gonna meet that with a positive mindset and not be like and not kind of return that feeling. Well, “Why are you jealous or you shouldn't be jealous.”

JOHNISHA: …you shouldn't be like that. Yeah, I'm doing that, right,

DESTINY: We always make sure that we talk it out in a way that it doesn't come off like that, you know, we're just like, okay, we understand that you feel that way. That is a natural feeling to feel. And then we kind of give each other perspective

JOHNISHA: Well, yeah, like, you know, and fillers, because sometimes there's something you may be missing as to why a conversation was had or something, maybe missing something. Because that's happened a lot with us where it's like, now when we talk about it, we get each other's perspective. We're like, Oh, I didn't realize that, like, now. Now, I feel a little foolish for getting upset. But and I love it. Because sometimes I say I say, now I feel stupid when I'm saying it out loud. And then like, Well, you know, don't feel stupid, your feelings are validating your credit for the way you feel. And I love that they say that because, you know, and they always tell me, like, you know, don't minimize how you felt, you know, right, it felt that way you should express it.

DESTINY: I think it's important that we have that safe space to express our feelings, express our jealousies, our insecurities, and then the fact that we're all on the same page of trying to understand and validate each other, you know, and make sure that everyone feels heard.

JERON: So it's, you know, it's definitely very interesting, but it's, it's, you know like I said, I feel like you I feel like a lot of monogamous couples can learn a lot from poly relationships, especially when it comes to like communication.

NR: Well, thank you so much for talking with me. I really appreciate it. This was an amazing conversation. I hope it was fun for all three of you, too.

JERON: Yes. It was amazing.

NR: Where can people find you if you want to be found?

JERON: Yeah, so we do we have a collective Instagram, it is the Divinity Trinity.

JOHNISHA: And all three of us have access to it. So we all do monitor it, we post regularly. Instagram is the way to find us.

NR: Amazing. Well, thank you so much. 

NR: And that was our episode. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter at howickpodcast, that’s “How I Fck,” without the “u” so “fck.” We also have a website, howifckpodcast.com, again without the “u.” There you can find all of our episodes as well as show notes, transcriptions, sources, and photos. If you like our podcast, give us a rating. Tell a friend. And please, subscribe if you haven’t already. How I F*ck is produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Original music by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under the artist name Magh. Gabriela Sanchez is our Social Media Manager and our Sponsorship Manager is Mouna Coulibaly.