How I F*ck as a Burn Survivor

NATALIE RIVERA: What do you think attracts you to girls? Especially when you were younger? 

SANDY JACKMAN: Everything. The way they look. I just like everything: Their face, boobs, breasts. Whatever you want to call it. Yeah, it was just everything about them really. The attitude. Especially when they like a little bit of drama. I like that.

NR: Sandy is just as I imagined she’d be from watching her TikToks. She goes by suga1990 on there and at the time I’m recording this, has more than 225,000 followers, almost all of them admirers. She’s always receiving comments about how beautiful and fit she is. Flirty ones from women who are crushing on her, but also comments from followers who are inspired by Sandy’s commitment to working out, her beauty, her confidence. Because Sandy doesn’t really look like everyone else. She has third-degree burn scars on the left side of her arms, legs, and her face.

SJ: They asked me, how are you still fit? And your scars? Like even in the gym, people like you go, “I know you've been through something but you’re working out as if like nothing is wrong with you. Like what's up? Like, how you keep going? I never, like let anything like stop me from doing it.

NR: This is How I F*ck and I’m your host, Natalie Rivera. Sandy, who you met earlier, has received a lot of comments from people in awe of her strength. People, especially those who know her story, are impressed with her and the fact that she moves through life unapologetically. You see, Sandy was attacked with acid when she was 22. Acid attacks involve the throwing of acid on a person, usually on their face, causing permanent disfigurement, trauma, pain, and in some cases, death. They’ve grown in popularity around the world the last couple of decades, especially in South Asia, the UK and Colombia. Sandy is from the South American country of Guyana, where this attack happened. Unsurprisingly, Sandy was quite popular there. A proud Guyanese, she has fond memories of her home country.

SJ: It's very small over there. So I was pretty well known back there. I never really had many people disrespect me.

NR: Did you ever see anyone like gay growing up, like in your town. 

SJ: There are mostly gay guys, you see a lot of gay guys, but not really much of girls. A lot of people are very, I don't know… like, people are scared to be who they are in the Caribbean because it is not acceptable there. So it's hard for a lot of people to just come out, you know. They have to be really brave to come out because people can hurt them. So I think it was very challenging for men and women. 

NR: Sandy’s mother passed away when she was around seven and her father died when she was in high school. Her aunt stepped up and became a mother figure for her, so much so that Sandy refers to her as “mom.” Her extended family and her town were instrumental in her life. Even though Sandy’s town wasn’t accepting to gay men there, Sandy was never afraid to be herself. She was at home and acted as such. She was around 8 when she started having feelings for girls. 

SJ: When I was young, like it was just, you know, ideas and feelings and mind wandering. But then when I became 16 I started with girls. And then I met my first girlfriend, and we start talking from there. And then we had sex a few times. 

NR: Sandy’s girlfriend was 27 at the time and had been with women before, though she identified as bisexual. This didn’t intimidate Sandy who got kind of a glowing review for her first time. 

SJ: She said my experience was like an older person. Like a 50-year-old person. I was like, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says something good. Then she's like you sure you’ve never been with a girl? I’m like, no, it was my first time. 

NR: Sandy was also sleeping with men back then, so she assumed that this meant she was bisexual, even though her relationships with men were never her priority. 

SJ: I wasn't really interested in them much. Like some girls, they would crave it, they would want it and I wasn't like that. I wasn't really interested in it much. But like with girls….like, if a girl wants to have sex with me every day, I would do that. But with a guy, no. And then I find myself dominating the guy. 

NR: Even though Sandy was having sex, she never watched porn a masturbated when she was younger. The town was very Christian, and the people there would joke about sex, but there weren’t any real serious conversations  around it, at least for her. Still, Sandy lived unapologetically and the people in her town respected her for it. 

SJ: I wasn't afraid of anything. I mean, nothing bothers me. I never really got myself in trouble there like being gay. I have a lot of love on the streets from a lot of guys and girls, some of them that might come wanting more. But then like, we turned out to be good friends. You know, I never really had many people disrespect me. But some of my friends I've seen get beat up and all kinds of things. I wasn't really involved in those things. So I wasn't afraid.

NR:  When Sandy was 16 she gave birth to her son. She didn’t tell me too much about her son’s father, just that she was a single mother. It was around this time that a friend of her father started pursuing her for years. Let’s just call this man Daniel. Daniel would send her gifts for her son, trying to convince her to date him. Sandy would reject his advances, but ultimately she did start seeing him. The relationship lasted for about five years and was unhealthy, to say the least. 

SJ: He would disrespect me in front of my friends. Cuss me out, talk sh*t. He had I want to say like an anger issue. You know? If he asked you to do something and you said no like he wouldn’t like that. He would argue about it. So like there are many times I would fight with him. I just thought during that time that I was just figuring myself out as I kept growing. I kept learning what I like more. And because I was seeing women I just realized that you know, hey, I like girls more so I should get it over and done with. So I started avoiding him.

NR: She started dating a woman shortly after cutting him off, a woman she was crazy about. She moved in with her and it was that relationship that solidified, that yes, Sandy was a lesbian. She loved women and could only see herself being in a relationship with one. She was living as her true self, something everyone seemed to accept. Everyone except Daniel.

SJ: I think he's the type of person where if like I can't have you nobody else can.

NR: In 2013, when Sandy was just 20, she received a call fro m Daniel asking if he could speak with her. She agreed to chat after she worked out at the gym, something that Sandy still does religiously. She stepped outside of the gym and walked a few blocks to meet him. Her friend who went to work out with her that day was with her. She called Daniel letting him know that she was at the spot. 

SJ: He hangs up the phone when I got to the corner waiting for him. When I was getting there I saw two guys but I didn't really pay attention to them. They looked like they were fixing something. They were actually mixing the acid with some oil. I thought they were fixing the bicycle or something.

NR: Sandy had run into her aunt along the way, the one she calls “mom,” and so her aunt was on the same street, outside of her home. 

SJ: The guy called me and was worried. I was like I’m right here, you told me to meet you here. And then as soon as I sat down, and I turned my body facing the opposite side, I just know two guys threw something. And they just attacked me. And then I started screaming like, “Mommy, mommy.” So I ran towards her. My skin is turning white, starts burning. And my eyes burn and burn.

NR: Her aunt and some women close by immediately led Sandy to a nearby salon.

SJ: They told me to go into the salon so the lady could pour some water on me. The girl in the salon was so shocked. She was shaking. So I just laid in the street and just roll around because it was so hot. It was like on fire. And then we got in the taxi and they took me to the hospital. By the time I was going to the hospital, I was taking off my clothes because I was so hot. 

NR: They had Sandy jump in a shower as soon as she got to the hospital, letting the water run for a while so she could cool down. 

SJ: There wasn't a doctor to see my eyes, all they were doing is just like, opening it and squeezing the fluid, cleaning it up. But there was no doctor to really take care of it so I lost my sight.

NR: The following day, Daniel visited her at her hospital bed crying. How could someone do this to you, he asked her between sobs. Sandy and her friends became suspicious: It was clear to them that something was up. Daniel had a history of doing a lot of dirty work, of harming people. Sandy herself had experienced verbal abuse from him when she dated him. It occurred to her and her friends that this might be the person who did this to her. That Daniel had paid those two men to throw the acid on her. 

SJ: They just moved me to a unit, the burn unit and he came and he told the nurse he's my dad and he wants to see me. And they told me and I was like my parents died. My eyes were closed. And they were like your dad is here and I’m like my parents died years ago. And so when I opened my eyes I saw him at the door, and he's like, “Hey, how are you?” I told him I'm sorry, I'm tired. So when he left, I told the nurses I don't want to see that guy. He's the person that did this to me. And then since that day I never saw him back.

NR: Sandy's injuries resulted in third-degree burns. The acid got on most of her left side, including her face, neck, arm, leg, and even her chest. Some of it also got on her right arm. Her left eye was also so damaged so she had to replace it with a fake. Sandy’s girlfriend and one of her friends stood by her side, taking care of her when she finally came home from the hospital.

SJ: When I got burned, it was really hard for me to date somebody. It was really, really hard. You know, my whole look changed. Like, I feel like, I don't know like I couldn't even look at myself too because it was hard seeing how my skin and everything turned out. So for her to take care of me it was really hard looking at her doing those things. I would tell her things like I think you should go find a nice girlfriend. And she said she don't care. And I was like, you know, people only say that because they want you to feel okay, and then one day they just drop out. I can't do it. You know, because you look like this. I was just pushing her away from me because of how I looked. But she never took it. She stayed around. She still helped me out and took care of me and showed me love. She cared.

NR: Still it was traumatic. Sandy, who was always going to the gym, who was always the life of the party was now bed-ridden. She was always the independent one in her family, and now everyone was taking care of her. 

SJ: It was challenging, like, not being able to brush my teeth, or just hold a cup of tea in my arms and just enjoy. It’s like is this ever going to be over? You know, at one point I even told my aunt years ago, I wish like I was just dead. Because it was like too much pain. And being helpless. I couldn’t do anything at all, I just had to lay there and it was pretty annoying. I couldn’t be left home by myself yet. There was always somebody babysitting me. The youngest kid I had babysitting me was seven years old. And that was my baby cousin that I grew up with. He ended up taking care of me some days like watching me and feeding me, you know, and he did it. And he shows me a lot of love and stuff. So that was a little bit of hope even though like you know, I didn't want to be here anymore.

NR: A couple of months into her recovery, Sandy’s girlfriend suggested that they try to have sex. Sandy obviously couldn’t do much sexually, so her girlfriend offered to do all the work.

SJ: It was pretty hard. It's like I couldn't do anything. I just have to lie down. And it was a bit hard because like, literally, I can't do anything, anything. So it was a bit annoying and frustrating. So I just give up on it.

NR: It was more like them eating you out then?

SJ: It was like they do everything but like I couldn’t do anything to them.

NR: But did that affect your sensations?

SJ: No, no, because then it's not anything that happened to my lower. It's just like, the only thing is my thighs were sensitive. So like, it's hard with my legs because you know, like it's tight, you can't really move as much. 

NR: While Sandy could feel it, the sex still wasn’t pleasurable for her.

SJ: Well yeah, it would be painful. And like knowing that you can't really move freely. Yeah, it does hurt. So I didn't like it. It was not fun. It was not exciting. Like, why are we even doing this? So I just like stopped because it's not like before you know, this is like damn everything got taken away. 

NR: This was the only time the two tried doing anything sexually, but it was enough to send Sandy into a panic. Was this going to be her life from now on?

SJ: You can’t do anything now. What should I do? Your mind starts traveling. Am I gonna always be like this? Is this gonna always be? I didn't know that I would get better and everything would be okay because you know there’s not much hope. No one said everything's gonna be okay one day. I wasn't hearing that it was going to get better. So like, you know, I questioned myself, is this going to be happening for a long time?

NR: It became more and more obvious to Sandy that the medical care in Guyana wasn’t sufficient enough for her. She needed to do some physical therapy which wasn’t available at their hospital at the time. Also, she and her loved ones worried that she would wound up getting an infection, that her injuries would worsen. They decided that the best thing for her health would be for her to move to another country where Sandy’s needs could be met. They decided on Canada where one of Sandy’s aunts lives. Together they helped arrange her move there. It was like starting all over for her. 

SJ: I was admitted my second day here. And then I spent like, one month in the hospital, I think, and start getting cleaned up. Because I was really infected. So they had to put me on pills and get me all cleaned up and stuff. And then they just put me into surgery. I think the second day that I was here.

NR: She started physical therapy shortly after that. 

SJ: So therapy was something I was doing to help my arms. The nurse would come in every morning to do the therapy with me. So all of that started helping the hands to like not to be stiff.

NR: Was it just your hands that were stiffer?

SJ: As soon as I moved here, and they started doing everything, like taking care of the arm, helping me build strength. It helps you build up strength and everything. So as time go by, I started my strength started coming back.

NR: One day, her physical therapist asked Sandy whether she would like to visit the gym in the building. She said of course. Working out was a huge part of her life, and she couldn’t wait to jump back into that routine again. 

SJ: He started signing me up for the gym. And they will make me spend like half an hour just doing a little bit of everything. So I started liking that. So before I started the gym, I didn't have an eye yet. It was just a socket. So what I did is I started to wear dark shades. And my hair was pretty longer than I used to let my hair down, curl it and leave it down. So it helps me like hide my face more. And then I start going to the gym every day. And I started doing my own workout. I started making good friends. And then like I started, you know, keep going every day, then the people in the gym started talking to me, telling me they think I’m cute. Like oh my god, they're watching me and you know, then you start getting shy. And then everybody would start talking to me. So I was like, you know, I need to relax, I need to just give it a try. So I also put up my hair depending on my mood. And then I would you know, see how people would react. And people would say, “Oh, you're so cute. You're so fit. Oh my god.” I was like, okay, they think it's cool. You know, so I started, you know, keep going. And then every day I look in the mirror before a workout and tell myself don't worry what anybody says.

NR: Sandy’s friends started taking her out to gay clubs. She had recovered a lot at this point but wasn’t going out as much as she used to before the incident. They went out to a club on Halloween night and Sandy met a woman who asked her for her number. 

SJ: We started texting. And I was like, you know, I didn't have on a costume last night. That was actually me. She said I don't care. She said I know. I can see. I can tell it was you. Something happened to you and I don't care. And then she asked me what happened. And I told her and she's like I think you’re cute. I think you're hot. And then like, we hang out. And I was a bit shy. I was so shy. And but then she like she started playing with my scars and touching my face. It's like, it's okay. Like, I think you're cute. So because of the way she treated me and just makes me feel a little bit confident with myself. And then every day slowly, like I started feeling comfortable as we hang out. 

NR: Sandy started dating more regularly after that. Like in Guyana, Sandy had no trouble meeting women who thought she was cute. 

SJ: I met somebody when I came out of the hospital like a month after, and then I started doing therapy. And every time after therapy, I would go and see them. So like, with that person kissing was difficult. Because this scar is very tight in the face. But like, even that was good because I was stretching the scars and the tissues, like, even like trying to kiss somebody is like, you stretching it and keeping it active. And that person she used to massage me.

NR: The first times Sandy tried to go down on a woman was understandably challenging though, given the injuries she had on her neck. 

SJ: My neck was really tight. You can't really move as you like. So everything is really tight. I used to get really bad headaches. Like if I was to eat somebody out my head would hurt me, because of so much tightness with my neck. So it's not much of a movement, there's nothing I can do. And even my arms are still a bit tight. Or sometimes they can because there's no circulation really going through. So it was a bit difficult and challenging. But I think doing that physical therapy for that one year helped a little bit. 

NR: What about fingering someone?

SJ: My hands would get weak to get weight and then you get that you know, sometimes your hands give that tingling feeling that so yeah, so sometimes that will happen. So when it happens like I have to stop and what I do, I like to squeeze my forearms to get the circulation and keep it done. So that used to happen a lot. Sometimes it still does happen. So what I do, like I try to I keep massaging myself as often as I can even like before bed, just to keep the circulation and if I was to see somebody as it does happen, so I have to like relax my arm for a minute. So every time that we stop, I would just like try to get by the circulation. Alright, so it feels weird and uncomfortable.

NR: Like the physical therapy and the gym, sex got easier with practice. Her sexual partners would offer massages or would check-in to make sure the sex wasn’t painful for her. 

NR: Have you ever been in a situation where someone accidentally hurt you during sex?

SJ: One time someone accidentally hit me in the eye. And I was like, oh, shoot. And they were like, “Oh my god, I'm sorry.” I think they felt really bad. And then I was like, it's okay, I'm good. You see, my left eye is so sensitive. Like, if you, it really gets hit easy, it tears a lot. So it makes you look like you’re crying. It's like, no, I promise I'm okay. I think that was the only thing. Or maybe someone pressed too. Put too much pressure on my arms. You know, because it was really sensitive in the beginning.

NR: In 2020 Sandy joined TikTok. Like most of us, she needed a distraction from the pandemic, particularly the fact that the gyms were closed back then, something that has been especially hard for her. She started uploading videos of her using hashtags like #burnsurvivor and #studlesbian. 

SJ: That's where I get more love. And I realized that hey, a lot of people look up to them. I’m inspiring people. So like, hearing that they asked me how you still fit and your scars like even in the gym people like I know you've been through something but you’re still working out like nothing is wrong with you. Like what's up? Like, how you keep going? So knowing that people question and they don't know how, and I can't even really explain how it just makes me keep doing what I love. So I never, like let anything like stop me from doing it.

NR: So it's like a combination of like you working out and you and your scars, right that like seems like to inspire people.

SJ: A lot of people, they're not able to still do the things they used to do. You know, I couldn’t move my hands, they were bent but coming here and getting it all straightened out, I started working. Back home, there was no hope. But when I'm moving there was like, yeah, you can go to the gym, you can ride your bike, you can, like you can still do everything. It just makes me like, yeah, you got to get up and listen, because not a lot of people is okay to still do things they used to, you know, it's sometimes it's difficult, or sometimes you can’t do it. So the fact that I can still do it, I have to take advantage of it. You know, so I think a lot of people love that. 

NR: Her followers also love seeing her being flirty, opening up about her dating experiences, her lesbian identity. Being the person she always was in Guyana, the person she refused to change because of an attack. 

SJ: You know, the person who did it he's so stupid to even think like that. I could never think like that.

NR: Yeah, for sure. He definitely didn't break you down, which I'm sure is what he was trying to do. He didn't do that. 

SJ: The number of people that say they try to take your beauty but he didn't take it. He didn't win. I was in the subway and I had a lady watching me and I was like, “Oh, my God, why is she watching me?” She came and asked if someone did this to me and I said yes and they prayed for me.

NR: Well, those were my questions. Where can people find you?

SJ: They can follow me on Instagram @survivor_fitness_ and I also have Tik Tok so you can follow me Sugar1990. 

NR: Thank you so much for speaking with me. I love this conversation. I hope you had fun talking to me, by the way. I know I'm asking you very personal things, but I hope it was fun for you.

SJ: Yeah, it was. I enjoyed it. I never really had anyone really ask questions like these. It's kind of cool.

NR: Thank you for listening to How I F*ck. If you like our podcast, give us a rating, leave us a review. Tell a friend. And please, subscribe if you haven’t already. Also, if you have a micropenis and would like to be interviewed for the show email us at hello@howifckpodcast.com or send us a dm on Instagram or Twitter. Our handles are at howickpodcast, that’s “How I F*ck,” without the “u” so “fck.” We also have a website, howifckpodcast.com, again without the “u.” There you can find all of our episodes as well as show notes, transcriptions, sources, and photos. How I F*ck is produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Original music by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under the artist name Magh. Gabriela Sanchez is our Social Media Manager and our Sponsorship Manager is Mouna Coulibaly. Until next time!