How I F*ck with a Micropenis

NATALIE RIVERA: Michael was looking for a new kind of porn. Something different. Like most people, he had exhausted all other categories. That’s when he saw it.

MICHAEL: And it was this guy and his wife and what they would do, his wife would hire, I'm assuming they were you know, porn actresses just starting off or something. They would hire them to come in and some of them would give him hand jobs. Some of them gave him blowjobs and some had sex with him. 

NR: The wife in the videos and some of the other actresses would have conversations about the husband’s penis in front of him. Conversations that Michael hadn’t heard before, at least not in a porno. 

M: They would give him hand jobs and say ‘Oh, I only have to use two fingers,’ and you know the wife would laugh and say something you know clever back or you know the girls who were having sex with them would be like, ‘Oh are you in yet?’ And obviously, he'd be in but then the girls would be like, ‘Oh, I can deep throat you without trying or you know,’ some clever crap like that. 

NR: Michael had come across SPH porn or Small Penis Humiliation. And it turned him on, because Michael’s penis, like the husband’s, was also small. Very small.

NR: This is How I F*ck and I’m your host, Natalie Rivera. Michael’s real name isn’t Michael. He didn’t want his name attached to this episode, which is understandable, so for the sake of our guest’s privacy we’ll be referring to him as “Michael.” Michael has a micropenis, though he hasn’t been diagnosed with one, at least not yet. Some experts believe that an adult micropenis is a stretched penile length of 3.67 inches or less. For reference, the average adult penis length is 5.25 inches.With those definitions in mind, Michael considers his penis a micropenis.

M: Depending on what tape measure or ruler, I'm using it I'm between about two and a half. And just shy of three inches, I suppose it depends on the day. Depends on the erection.

NR: Of course, Michael didn’t know his penis was below the average size growing up. Because classmates can be mean, there were other aspects of himself that were a little more at the forefront of his mind.

M: I was fairly quiet as a kid. I'm always super nice and was usually the largest kid in height and weight in my classes so you know always got called fat and picked on and wasn't very good at standing up for myself even though I probably could have fought every classmate. I mean, my parents are awesome. Other than you know, school, I still had friends and stuff. So my childhood wasn't bad by any means. School was rough. But I mean, I was fairly athletic for being you know, the biggest guy out there. 

NR: Growing up with a Christian family in the Midwest, Michael wasn’t allowed to have a TV in his room until he was a teenager. Actually, he wasn’t allowed to have cable TV at all until he was 10, which was probably why his first glimpse into anything sexual was a porn magazine in his uncle’s bathroom. He didn’t masturbate to it though, but it did kind of change something in him. 

M: I would say probably yes. I was always kind of was interested in women then, like, I always seemed to have like a little crush on somebody’s mom or something growing up. After that, like in teachers and stuff. So I would say probably, that kind of kick-started a little something. But I really don't think I understood it but I definitely did feel an attraction towards women.

NR: His parents and school, which preached abstinence and abstinence-only, didn’t prepare him for what would be his first sexual experience with himself. There was a rap video on MTV at his grandmother’s house. Michael felt something weird so he sprinted to the bathroom to play with himself. It was the first time he ever did something like that, and while he’s not sure he orgasmed, it wouldn’t be his last time. 

NR: What was your impression? Or what was your relationship with your penis? What did you think of your penis?

M: Oh, I had no idea like, about size. I just thought it was normal. I figured, you know, once I hit 14 or 15, you know, puberty that it would grow. And, you know, I didn't think about it really. I didn't see anyone else’s or anything. I mean, I probably, you know, maybe 12 or 13 I may have seen like a porn and been like, ‘Oh, wow. Hopefully, mine's gonna get that big someday’ or something, but it was never anything negative about me or any negative feelings towards myself.

NR: Like a lot of people, me included, the way you see yourself kind of takes a 180 turn when you get to high school. As much as you don’t want to admit it, as much as I don't want to admit it, you start comparing yourself to other people when you become a teenager. Maybe it’s because you feel you’re competing for good grades, compliments, and teenage romances. Comparing yourself to others seems almost like an inevitable symptom of high school. That seemed to have been the case for Michael when he went into the boy’s shower room for the first time. 

M: So when I turned 14, freshman year of high school, you played sports you showered they were big group showers. There was no, like stalls or anything of the sort. So that's when you saw everybody’s stuff, and they saw yours. And that's when I finally realized like, ‘Oh, crap, like, these dudes are carrying around like, baby arms and I've got like a baby finger.’ So then, yeah, when they saw what I was dealing with, obviously, I went from, you know, fat jokes to small d*ck jokes. 

NR: Michael says that while the small d*ck ridicule wasn’t constant, it still hurt.

M: I never let it get to me that bad that I was ever like, suicidal over it or that upset over it. Like, I dealt with it and, you know, gave people sh*t back here and there and, you know, tried to, you know, at least defend myself a little. But at the end of the day, it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

NR: Can I ask why it wasn't a big deal for you?

M: Oh, I guess maybe it's just being used to being made fun of. I don't really know. I mean, I think it's because the fat jokes probably hurt worse. Because that was like an outward thing that everybody could see. 

NR: Even though he wasn’t having sex in high school, Michael was still fooling around with girls back then, or at least a girl. There was the neighborhood girl who would give him handjobs for a couple of summers. She never finished him off but she would let him grab her breasts and finger her, which was nice. 

M: It kind of reassured me that like, even though I was getting made fun of for it, like, obviously, like there's at least one girl who didn't, you know, didn't mind.

NR: The neighborhood girl eventually got a boyfriend. It wasn’t Michael. This wasn’t really new for him though. He was never the boyfriend back then. 

M:  I didn't really date after that. So I just kind of I mean, I tried, but just didn't have much luck with women. And so, sex was like, really not on my mind that much at all. I mean, obviously, if I had the opportunity, I would have been all over it. But the way I was striking out, I wasn't too worried about it at that point.

NR: And by worry about it do you mean worried about your size? Were you ever worried about you maybe not being enough for when you would have sex, maybe when you got older?

M: So when you're, at least where I was from, nobody was having sex. Like, it was extremely rare at 14, 15 years old. It was, you know, a lot of, you know, losing your virginity at like junior prom. You know, so it's more common for like, 16, 17, 18-year-olds. So once we got to that age, and like for us, the internet was coming around, it was easier to see, like, porn. Like porn videos, instead of just magazines. And then yeah, I kind of started wondering, like, ‘Oh, am I gonna be big enough.’ But like I said, I had been having such bad luck with women that I wasn't overly worried about sex anyway. Because I was having trouble you know, kissing someone and sex was like, way far off in the distance.

NR: Michael did have penetrative sex with a woman though, not when he was in high school but when he was 24. He was just getting over a girl he was in love with, one of his friends. They didn’t date but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He had pined for this girl for years, and now that she was gone Michael felt it was time to give dating a real shot, so he signed up for OkCupid. He met a girl there that he talked to for a couple of weeks before being asked back to her place. 

M: It was pretty much the scariest experience of my life.

NR: At first the OkCupid woman made it clear to Michael that they were not having sex. Sex was not on that table that night, and he needed to be okay with that. He was. But after some making out during a movie, the OkCupid woman asks him if he wants to take this to the bedroom. They do and that’s when she pulls out a dildo. A really big dildo. 

M: She breaks out this clear-colored dildo. It was girthy. And like, probably, like 12 inches. And I'm just like, ‘Oh my God, if I take my underwear off in front of this girl, and she sees me compared to that, like, that could be rough.’ But then hormones took over and I'm like, ‘Hell yeah, I'm gonna, you know, use this dildo on her.’ And so we, you know, we continue making out and we start using the dildo and you know, we're both having fun. And she's getting, you know, super into it. And after probably a solid, like, 15, 20 minutes. She's like, ‘Okay, let's do it.’

NR: Michael is surprised by the change of heart but he’s more excited than anything else. He climbs on top of her and tries to slide his penis inside of her. 

M: I'm like, I just feel warm. Like, I don't feel anything else. And I'm like, this is weird. So I change positions. And we tried doggy style because I figured that way I can see easier, like, what exactly is happening? And so like, I'm able to, you know, see that I'm in. But like, neither one of us is feeling anything. It's just like, I feel kind of warmth. But I don't feel like yeah, it just feels like it’s just, there's no tension whatsoever. And she obviously feels nothing. She kind of like, would hold back on me and eventually, like, I just would slide out. And she'd continue humping. So I moved, and she got on top and I'd be in for a second or two. And she would she'd start, you know, grinding on me or whatever and it would slide out. 

NR: But the OkCupid woman kept going… you know without Michael actually in her. 

M: She would like moan having no idea that I wasn't in her anymore. Like my d*ck was just like, out chilling in the breeze and she's just humping away on air pretending like I'm in there. So that's when I really realized like, ‘Oh, this is getting, like, scary. And so yeah, eventually, we just both kind of gave up and I, she helped me finish myself, or she helped me finish myself and we like, talked a little bit and hung out. And we're kind of like, yeah, maybe we'll talk again, but definitely did not talk again.

NR: So, Michael’s experience here isn’t exactly the norm for people with micropenises. It actually isn’t even the norm for him. According to experts, people with micropenises are capable of having normal sexual functionality. It does not affect a person’s ability to urinate, masturbate, or orgasm. In fact, sexual health expert Michael Reitano, MD told Health.com that "While micropenis can be a discomforting condition for some men, a fully satisfying sex life can be possible both for them and their partners. From a functioning point of view, the size of a man’s penis is the least significant aspect of their sexual capacity to provide a partner the pleasure they desire." However, someone with a micropenis might have trouble with penetrative sex. This isn’t always the case though. While that seemed to have been the case for Michael during his first time, he suspected the next time he had penetrative sex would go a lot smoother.

M: You know, let's just see what happens. Let's see if it's, you know, you can you know, either date this girl or, you know, take her to bed and you know, just see what if you know if it's all going to be like my first time or if it's going to be better so we talked for a while and a couple of weeks and finally, she just suggested I come over one night.

NR: They had a couple of glasses of wine before heading to her room. Michael was nervous.

M: And, you know, I was didn't know what to expect when, you know, the underwear finally came off, but didn't say anything. Like she didn't point and laugh or anything of the sort. And things went super smooth. And eventually, you know, I asked her if she wanted to have sex. And she said, Yeah, and it was actually really good. And we were able to do a few different positions. I mean, I suppose I may have slid out once or twice, but it was nothing like the first time it was amazing.

NR: They hooked up a couple more times after that, the still was consistently good. 

M: I know there's a whole debate on scoring and stuff, but I actually did make her squirt. 

NR: Good for you. 

M: And so I was like, I was like, oh, okay, the little guy can do it. 

NR: While the sexual experiences with these women seemed like a success to him, Michael still wanted to make sure that he could rely on other ways to please his partners in case there was ever a repeat of his first time. So he did some research. 

M: And, you know, right up on the internet on the correct way to go down on girls. And so I always kind of tried to focus on that, too. Just in case I ever came upon a situation where I was like, Oh, my, my deck really is not doing it for her. I mean, I, I wish I had a technique. Honestly, though, it was just like, find the clip. And then read her body language. Yeah, just my guess my general thing going into it was always just like, you know, move your tongue different ways. And see how she reacts. Like, I've seen things about like, on the internet, you know, people talking about sucking on it, and very, you know, you know, trying to shove your tongue in the actual vagina and stuff like that. And I'm just like, I don't know, it just seems, seems a little weird to me, but I'm just going to keep up with what I've done in the past. And that's, you know, kind of the ABCs on the clit and then just judge from there.

NR: Michael didn’t really get to practice this with that many women though. He didn’t date much after that second woman he slept with. Life just got in the way sometimes. 

NR: So, I know you mentioned that you haven’t really slept with that many people in the last couple of years, but I’m curious about what masturbation is like for you or has been like for you.

M: So, um, the way I masturbate, like I can pretty much fit a whole fist on there. Obviously, it doesn't stick out the end. But it just gets too over-sensitive on like, having all that pressure on my head. So I basically use like, my first three fingers on the bottom and my thumb on the top, so I don't actually grip my whole penis. It's just like, I don't know how to describe it. But it's not like actually, like how you know the average size. And larger men can use you know, a whole fist that's and wrap it the whole way around. It's just like, thumb on top. Then hand kind of loose and then the two or three fingers on the bottom. And yeah, I've had one woman whose hands were pretty small and she fit her fist mostly around it and it wasn't bad. But I'm still a little too sensitive on the head.

NR: Like most people, the material Michael has masturbated has evolved throughout his life. There were obvious changes, like going from his uncle’s porn magazines to porn websites but his taste in the content also evolved. 

M: it went from you know any porn that I could find to like more hard stuff with like you know in like the scene phase you know in the early 2000s and stuff it was like you know burning Angel Gods girls suicide girls that got all my attention then as I aged you know eventually I stumbled on to small penis humiliation and that kind of like got all my attention then. And even to this day, that's kind of still my thing.

NR: Can you describe to me what that is?

M: So yeah, basically it's any sort of there's I mean, there are different varieties but it's basically all just women. Make fun of the size of your penis. Or I suppose if there's and I suppose it can be men too. But I'm one I'm pretty darn straight so it's just women for me.

NR: Have you ever been turned on by humiliation before? 

M: No, definitely not until I started getting into it on the internet. For whatever reason, I guess it took all those, you know, days of being humiliated and the times I was nervous about my penis size and kind of turn the trauma nerves into like, Oh sh*t, I'm extremely turned on.

NR: He first came across small penis humiliation porn, SPH, five years ago. Back then, there wasn’t that much of it online but that changed year after year. 

M: Seems like, with all the cuckholding porn and the appearance of more like female Dom's and stuff, it seems like there are just all sorts of SBH on the internet now. So it's really easy to find that stuff. Whereas back when I first started like, I had to dig around for a while to find one of his videos or I just have to use something else to entertain me.

NR: By cuckolding, Michael means the fetish or kink in which someone gets turned on by their partner having sex with someone else. Some people engage in cuckholding because they are turned on by the humiliation. Michael has grown to love humiliation, but the kind that involves a woman berating a man with a small penis. Humiliation and sex is a combination he never imagined he’d enjoy, and it was something he wanted to try for himself.

M: I would just like cruise on Instagram and find femme Dom's and you know, hit up their DMS and be like Hey, would you be interested in making fun of me for like 40 bucks or you know and maybe I'd pay you to know an extra 20 for a pic or two usually you know like if you would send like a nude or you know Hearn in you know whether something um but mostly yeah it would be you know me offering her money she'd you know we'd message on Instagram you know she'd start off teasing me and eventually I'd send a d*ck pic and then she would start the humiliation and I would you know masturbate and you know to send a pic or two while I was masturbating and then um I would you know eventually finish when you know I have her tell me when to finish and I wouldn't you know try to finish when she tells me you know on command kind of thing. 

NR: What kind of humiliation Do you enjoy? Like what kind of things do you want to this person actually say?

M: Um, usually it's a combination of things but usually I enjoy like you know, you're the smallest deck I've ever seen or like That's pathetic. Um, you know, they are you know, I'll never f*ck you. You're way too small for me to f*ck you. I wouldn't be able to feel it. So what does that mean? That's generally I don't it it's just a huge turn-on like. Don't know why. I guess it's all the I guess it's a little bit of nerves from after my first time that just kind of always had hung around. 

NR: As someone who was bullied growing up, why do you think you ended up getting turned on by humiliation as an adult?

M: So I so I have a really good friend who is extremely intelligent on pretty much everything. And she knows everything about me. So I had no problem telling her about you know, the whole penis thing. And I'm so when I told her I was into the humiliation, she got all psychiatrist on me and said, Well, I wonder, basically, if it's because that you're paying for it, and you're asking for it. That you're actually in control of the situation. Now, as opposed to when you were a kid, you, you when you were getting made fun of and stuff, you had no control over it. You just had to, you know, be subjected to it, and there was nothing you could really do about it.

NR: As time went on, Michael grew tired of paying random women online to humiliate him virtually. He wanted to experience SPH in person, so he hired a professional dominatrix who lived nearby. He paid her a couple of hundred bucks to come over to his place and do a light BDSM session with SPH, of course.  

M: We started off just like talking roll cool and just kind of you know just small talk just trying to ease you know a little bit of tension and then she had me you know, start like massaging her legs and she had me help her change into these stiletto she had brought along as I'm helping her change and still like Ellie she's like, digging the heels of the other one into my leg and stuff. Tell her why I think she's hot and why she's better than me. 

NR: Eventually she had Michael take off his shorts and underwear. She made fun of his size. 

M: She made fun of my deck a bunch and made me baby jack off in front of her. And then as I was jacking off, you would like force-feed me like my own pre-c*m which I had never done before.

NR: It was the first time Michael had ever done something like that.

M: I was like, Okay, I'm down with this. I still haven't done it since then. 

That was the first and only time Michael had an in-person session that involved humiliation. He continued paying women online to humiliate him, but the excitement eventually died out. He wanted something more personal, so when that friend of his who he was in love with all those years ago, the one who moved away, was tight on the money he suggested they come up with an arrangement. 

M: One day, like, we were just talking and she was like, Hey, can you lend me like 10 bucks? And I'm like, Yeah, she's like sh*t. And so I sent her the 10 and she was like, Oh sh*t, I'm like what she's like, well, I thought I needed 10 but my account went negative so I got charged a fee. So now I need like 50 bucks and I'm like, I straight up told her I'm like, Well, sh*t. Well, here's the problem, you know, I would send you the money. But I was I had plans with this, you know, Instagram DOM, like tonight or tomorrow or something. I was gonna pay her, you know, 50 bucks to make fun of me. So I get off and she was like, well, I wish I could do that or something. And I'm like, Wait, really?

NR: Because they didn’t live near each other any more, everything was virtual. But because this was someone he had been in love with so many years ago, it felt like a better arrangement for Michael than say having a stranger do it over Instagram. They would exchange pictures over the phone and she’d humiliate him over text messages and video chat. At first, it was sending her $60 for her phone bill. Eventually he started requesting more photos and more humiliation from her, so much more that he was sending a couple of hundred bucks every month. 

M: I basically got obsessed with her doing it like you know it was a couple times a week and it was pretty much the only way I masturbated was to her with her um and yeah for like four years. 

NR: Was it weird to be engaging in this kind of thing with her after wanting her for so long?

M: No it was it might have been a little weird but it was it was pretty easy for the both of us honestly it was it was surprising how easy it was like we had been you know we had stayed friends and stuff after she moved like I said my crush dissolved after a while and stuff but like I still thought she was you know super gorgeous and if she had asked me to date I probably would have said yes although I didn't have the exact same infatuation with her but it was like oh the girl you know this girl is you know finally giving me attention and you know it wasn't the like ideal attention that I wanted because I was having to pay her and you know she was being being mean to me but it both you know work for both our situations so you know we I guess we just each sacrificed yeah for sure cuz I mean she she didn't you know There were times where I could tell, you know, she wasn't in the mood. So I tried to, you know, put my feelings on hold and just, you know, send her the 60 bucks and wait for her to make it up to me or send her 102 100 bucks and wait for her to make it up to me what she usually did. 

NR: Their arrangement eventually started to sour. His friend was growing tired of the requests. She found a stable job and didn’t need the money as much as she did before. On top of that, Michael’s financial situation had changed— he didn’t have that much disposable income to be paying her anymore, so they eventually called it quits.

M: It's been a lot of just like, trying to find that same thing again. But nobody else like does it for me. Like her so I'm just in this like, so now it's like, even the humiliation like the humiliation isn't it for me anymore?

NR: So what do you mean by no one else does it for you? How so? Was it the emotional connection?

M: It was the emotional connection. And then the attraction. And just like the proximity, you know, she, like, you know, we went to like weddings together. And you know, she knew my family. I knew her family like so it was just Yeah, I was just this super close. superduper close friendship and then adding like, this sexually charged thing on top of it, and it's just like, amazing.

NR: I'm curious….I'm not trying to shame you but I am just curious if you felt any sort of guilt because it was so transactional and because she wasn’t into it sometimes?

M: Oh, there was definitely guilt a little bit like, because I know she didn't enjoy it like. So there was a little bit of guilt and it did put a strain on our friendship from time to time. But like, at the end of the day, we were still definitely each other's like number ones, ike best friends. Yeah, like, we could still go to each other for anything. 

NR: Michael’s not necessarily sure he wants to continue doing SPH after that. I mean, as he said, that arrangement was kind of the best he’s ever had in terms of SPH. He decided that maybe it was time he try looking for a relationship. He’s only had one relationship before which lasted about 8 months. It was good and the sex was great, so he wanted to see if he could replicate that. This was around the beginning of COVID, so dating was understandably difficult. 

M: I had a girl over we were just hanging out we were watching something on Netflix and we've been you know flirting quite a bit via text and stuff. Um, you know obviously it's COVID time so you know, we didn't want to go out so she was brought over dinner and um, things started getting a little hot and heated and we were making out and um, you know, there's hands roaming around and she once she touched my crotch she can I can't I mean it's just so there's just like a little shift in the air. 

NR: She didn’t say anything and they continued kissing. She eventually started removing his PANTS. 

M: when she grabbed hold and then like, eventually saw my erection her mood did kind of change like she played with it a little bit and just kind of never got like never like really progressed it like you think you know would be normal like she grabbed it but she never actually started you know giving me a actual handjob um and eventually it just kind of tapered off and we stopped kissing and five minutes later she was like well I you know kinda need to get going got to work in the morning or you know some something like that and she bounced no I said you know just text me let me know you get if you get home okay and stuff like that. So she did do that but she never did talk to me again. Straight up ghosted me. 

NR: That was the only time Michael ever got a negative reaction at his penis size from a woman. Getting to know Michael, I hope he doesn’t experience reactions like that again in the future, you unless he wants that, though it didn’t seem like the case that time. Looking back at my own sexual history, there have been a couple of times where I was with someone who had what you could call a micropenis. I didn’t make a face, but we also didn’t really try to do anything penetrative after. I wonder if I was too quick to assume the person couldn’t perform penetrative sex with me. Speaking to Michael I’ve learned that yeah size really doesn’t f*cking matter. If you’re really into someone then you try to figure it out because pleasure between partners isn’t about just one person. 

NR: Thanks so much for speaking with me. I really enjoyed our conversation. 

M: yeah, great talking with you. You have a good night. 

NR: Thank you for listening to How I F*ck. If you like our podcast, give us a rating, leave us a review. Tell a friend. And please, subscribe if you haven’t already. Follow us on Instagram or Twitter, our handles are at howickpodcast, that’s “How I F*ck,” without the “u” so “fck.” We also have a website, howifckpodcast.com, again without the “u.” There you can find all of our episodes as well as show notes, transcriptions, sources, and photos. How I F*ck is produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Original music by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under the artist name Magh. Thank you again for listening. Until next time.