How I F*ck as a Trans Woman(Transcript)

NATALIE RIVERA: Hello, this is Natalie Rivera and this is “How I F*ck,” a podcast about how we have sex, sponsored by Fembot Magazine. I'm just going to get right to it. I do not know that many trans people. While I like to think that my friend group is diverse, the more I do these episodes the more I realize that my network, my world is very, very small. I do not understand every experience. I will never understand every experience, and honestly, I think that's one of the reasons why I started this podcast in the first place. I do, however, have a friend who is trans that is very dear to my heart, but his relationship to his identity isn’t black and white. Frankly, I don't know whether I should even refer to him as trans, and I don't think he does either. His story isn’t like the stories I've read about trans experiences. For a while I thought his story wasn’t the “typical trans stories,”I read online or saw in movies. I am ashamed to admit that now, especially after having spoken to our next guest because her story is unique and it’s hers. My friend's story is unique and his. There isn’t a “typical trans story.” I don't think there is such a thing as a “typical story” period. I ask that you please keep this in mind when I tell you about Noelle. I also ask that you keep in mind that I am not a sex expert, but a journalist and that the stories you hear on this podcast, especially this one, aren’t meant to represent an entire community. They are mean to represent the people that these stories belong to.

NOELLE: Do you want me to, like, say my name, and introduce myself with the gender identity, and stuff?

NR: Yeah, let's try that.

NOELLE: Okay. My name is Noelle, and I am 30 years old. I am a trans woman. I was assigned male at birth. My gender identity is female, which would make a transgender woman.

NR: And so, when did you start transitioning?

NOELLE: I started transitioning...let's see. I started transitioning a year ago today. I started taking-

NR: A year ago today?

NOELLE: A year ago yesterday, actually.

NR: What?!

NOELLE: Which is insane, yeah.

NR: It is insane! This was not planned out.

NOELLE: I know! Insane. So yeah, so I took my first dose of hormones a year ago. And a lot of people don't take hormones, and that's fine. But for me, that was needed, for my transition.

NR: Well, congratulations !

NOELLE: Thank you.

NR: It's 2019 when we conduct this interview. It's only been a year since Noelle started transitioning but you could argue that she started emerging as her true self when she was a child, even if she didn’t know it herself at that time.

NOELLE: When I was growing up, I knew something wasn't right. I wanted to do the stuff that women were doing. Like in school, getting in the lines with the girls, dressing like girls. I was always confused why I couldn't do those things, and I expressed myself in those ways.But I also didn't like attention, so I never said that that was how I was feeling. And I had no context to put, "I am a woman, and I was just born in a different body than my gender identity," so time went on, and I kind of suppressed all that.

NR: Noelle grew up in Louisiana where she met zero trans people. They didn’t exist to her at that time, yet the signs that Noelle might be one of them were there, even if she didn’t understand their meaning, Like the time she tried on her grandmother’s dress and felt comfortable in that role. It was moments like these, with women’s clothing, that made Noelle second guess her place in this world. 

NR: What was, if you remember, what was it like...your first experience with yourself, sexually?

NOELLE: I remember it very, very vividly. It's very embarrassing.

NR: Only if you want to share it.

NOELLE: I will share it.

NR: Okay, great.

NOELLE: It's awkward. Okay, so Johnny Bravo is playing in the background. It was, nine, and there were a pair of blue basketball shorts. And I figured out, if I put two legs through the one-leg hole, it's like a skirt, cool. So I would do that at night, when I laid in bed. Because I was like,"This makes me feel good." And then I got an erection, and I started rubbing on the bed. I was like, "This feels crazy," and then I had an orgasm. And that was the first time I had an orgasm. I had a very normal puberty, as a young boy, and I experimented. I masturbated, I had sex, I did all those things. And it was like, "Oh, this feels good." Now, granted, I would put my legs through the holes of shorts like a skirt, and stuff like that. I would do those things.

NR: This connection to women’s clothing followed Noelle well into her adult years, when she was having sex as a cisgender straight man. 

NOELLE: I would steal underwear from girlfriends, and stuff, and when I would do that, I would hide them in crazy places. If somebody found them, I would just be, "Yeah, me and my girlfriend had sex." In actuality, I took them to wear them. I would make fail-safes for, if I got caught. And I would, let's say, I started wearing my mom's clothing, when they would leave. I would very strategically remember where the hangers were, what it was in between, which way the fabric was folded, and stuff. 

NR: Even though Noelle didn’t meet a trans person until college, she did grow up around crossdressing, which is something she thought she was doing in the beginning.

NOELLE: I would put on clothing or something, and think, what I thought was crossdressing, and then masturbate, and then have an orgasm. I wanted to leave the house looking like that. I was masturbating, in order to heal pain that I had, and that was a coping mechanism, because it would give me a little bit from my desires.

NR: The porn Noelle watched when she was presenting as a man also had elements of desire, not just the sexual kind but that same desire to wear women’s clothing that she felt as a child. To get in line with the other girls at school.

NOELLE: I would watch porn, and I would look specifically for things where women were wearing certain items, women that were taking clothing off, women that were being pursued by men, outside, in the world. I was really big on car sex, because I was, "That's real life. It's not just this weird porn shoot...that could happen." I could get myself into that mindset. So I was seeking pieces of porn, to fill holes in my life that I wanted, yeah.

NR: This self pleasure was nothing like the sex Noelle was having when she presented as a cis straight man. For one it was, well, less explorative.

NR: What was your sex life like, before you transitioned? 

NOELLE: I would say it was extremely heteronormative. I just was fulfilling the roles of a cis man. And I would pursue women I found were attractive, and I would have sex with them, and that was it. It wasn't like it was more connected, or a lesbian experience undercover, or something like that. It was, I was a greedy male partner.

NR: Why greedy? Why that word?

NOELLE: I would just come, and be like, "Okay, we're done, right?" Or it was like the sex was based around me.

NR: So then, would you say that you weren't that dedicated to satisfying your partner or figuring what they wanted?

NOELLE: I was giving, but I was not giving in a way of exploration. I didn't care about breaking the box. You start with kissing and then you put fingers on each other, and then you do oral, then you put a penis inside of a hole. That's kind of how it works, right? My point is, there was no exploration. It was like following procedural steps, and I would follow those steps, and give those things to my partner, for sure. But still, at the end of the day, I was just following steps. And I wasn't creating a sexual experience, if you will. And I feel I wasn't able to in my body because truly, I wasn't able to really experience myself the way I wanted to express myself.

NR: Noelle continued having this kind of sex with women when she moved to Los Angeles in 2013. She continued presenting as the person she thought she needed to be: A man, because, well, that was the body she was born into. Yes, she met more trans people in LA then she ever did in her home state, but the idea of coming out, of being her true self still didn’t click with her. Not even when she met her ex-wife.

NOELLE: We met on Coffee Meets Bagel. You got these points that incentivized you to use the app, and then, I saw her little picture and I was like, "You're hot," so I used my points, and I got her as a person. She reached out to me first. She said, "Howdy." I was like, "That's cool." And then we went rock climbing, on our first date, and we went on another date. And then, after the other date, I was, "This is the human... I'm probably going to marry this person." It was great and it was electric from the beginning. We got pushed together so aggressively and we moved in together after three months and it was great. We were together for four or five years, and we were married for one, essentially. Maybe even, honestly, you could probably say, we were married for less. I'm sure you could argue that we were married for a week. And then our lives became my transition. I don't think that's unfair to say.

NR: While Noelle says her marriage was a happy one, Noelle still wasn’t happy with herself. Her entire life back then was work and going to the gym, taking whatever fitness class she felt she needed to take in order to fulfill that masculine role she was assigned at birth. 

NOELLE: Those things helped my body image and helped my self-esteem and stuff, I suppose, to keep it up. Now, with that said, and I sure remember this, I would go out with my ex-wife, and ruin the night. Because yeah, I'll go to the gym and come back and feel great and super masculine, but then the minute I would see her start getting ready to go out I would turn into a f*cking asshole because I wanted to do that.

NR: The way Noelle described this anger to me was this kind of jealousy she felt any time her female partner did anything that Noelle felt she couldn’t do because she was born a man. Things like dressing as a woman or going on dates with men, which her ex-wife did during their relationship which was open for some time.

NOELLE: We opened our relationship probably three months before we got married, It was very, very different, and it was an immediate teacher. And it made us communicate. And that's how I eventually came out to her about being trans.

NR: About a month before their wedding day, Noelle’s then-wife—which we’ve decided not to name in order to protect her privacy– is getting ready for a date and Noelle isn’t too happy about it. 

NOELLE: She gets dressed up. She walks out of the bathroom, I'm working, she's like, "How do I look?" She's wearing an outfit that I love to see her in. She looks super hot in it and I wanted to wear it. It was my favorite outfit and I got super hurt, because I was like, "I wanted to be able to do that, and I reserved that weird outfit for me, or something." I told her that she looked like a cartoon character, and your face definitely alluded to how she reacted. She stormed out, and she went on her date. And she got home, and she was, "What the f*ck's wrong with you?" And I was like, "I've got to tell you something." And at this time, we're laying in bed and I said the words, "I'm transgendered." But I didn't even know... you can't be “transgendered,” you can't be “femaled.” You are transgender. So I didn't even know that. So I said that, and then she started crying, I started crying, and we just sobbed for 10 minutes. And then she had questions. 

NR: One of those questions was whether Noelle had ever tried on her clothes. Noelle said yes, she had. This wasn’t an issue for her soon-to-be bride. In fact, she embraced it. She picked out clothes for Noelle to wear and the both of them decided that Noelle would present as her true self whenever she was at home. 

NOELLE: One time, I was in the house and I was wearing a dress or some sh*t like that. And then we went out to go get lunch and I had to take it off and put on jeans, dude jeans. And I was crushed. I was like, "Oh, this isn't going to work." We immediately knew that. And then two or three days later I’m like, "I need to transition as a woman." So I started going to consultations. The agreement was that I wasn't going to do anything, "transition wise," until after the wedding.

NR: This wedding was not only the beginning of a new chapter in Noelle’s life, but it was also kind of a send off. This would be one of the last times she presented as a male. Noelle thought, “F*ck it, let's go all out then.”

NOELLE: I treated it as my going out party, as a dude. So I never spent any money on myself, clothing wise or aesthetically wise. I got a suit that I loved. I got it super tailored. I got shoes that I f*cking loved. I got my hair cut super edgy. I did all these things that I wanted, I was like, "I'm going to make myself look as good as I can and this is going to be the last time I'm ever going to do this."

NR: Noelle described her marriage as being all about her after the wedding, all about her transition. She and her ex-wife were prepared to go through Noelle's transition together, but neither of them had any idea just how many sacrifices would need to be made in the process. 

NOELLE: I don't think either one of us knew how much of our next year would be me, Noelle-focused

NR: The next six months would be a lot of Noelle asking and her wife patiently and lovingly answering. 

NOELLE: What am I going to order, what am I going to do? How I do eat in a shirt that I can't get dirty. You know what I mean? It's small stupid sh*t like that, very surface level bullshit. And going to the bathroom, I'm like "Will you go to the bathroom with me? Will you order this drink with me? Will you do everything with me? And baby me through these six months because I'm terrified to do literally everything and anything."

NR: How was she taking it? 

NOELLE: I mean, she's amazing. I would be in my car, go out to do whatever and I would come back and I would be in makeup and a wig, or some sh*t, and I would be like, "Hey, I'm going to cry. I'm scared to get out alone. Will you come and get me?" It was sh*t like that all the time. She was very, very patient with me and gave me a lot.

NR: But there were things that Noelle and her ex couldn’t navigate now that Noelle was presenting as a woman. For one, how were they going to go about sex now that Noelle was presenting as a woman? 

NOELLE: We stopped having sex because I didn't want to have sex with her as a man. And she didn't want to really experiment with me having sex with her as a woman, nor did I even know.. and she didn't know what that meant either because she's not attracted to women. 

NR: It was this and many other factors that led them to realize that their marriage—which was at the time Noelle popped the question believed to be between a man and a woman— wouldn’t work as a marriage between a woman and another woman. 

NOELLE: We were living in a container that was made for two people that don't exist anymore. The current version of Noelle and the current version of my ex-wife should not be together. They're not capable romantically. But Noelle and my ex-wife; we can still mourn the loss of who I was and who she was. Those people are still alive, living a life because we're still mourning that loss. 

NR: While Noelle and her ex still remain close friends, Noelle has had to continue this journey, the one her and her ex were embarking together, alone, going through some of the hurdles trans people go through when wanting to present as the gender they truly are.

NOELLE: I started HRT, and I got breast development

NR: What is HRT?

NOELLE: Hormone replacement therapy.

NR: HRT is a form of hormone therapy that uses estrogen doses. Some women going through menopause use HRT to better help relieve menopausal symptoms like hot flashes. Because HRT involves the adding of estrogen, there are trans women, like Noelle, who’ve chosen HRT as their preferred hormone therapy for their gender transition.

NOELLE: I put in estrogen and I put in a testosterone suppressor. It starts breast development. Your skin gets softer, your hair gets softer and more full. Your face changes a little bit. My hands have changed a little bit. Your emotions change massively. 

NR: Her emotions weren’t the only thing that changed massively. Her penis was also changing as a result of the hormones.

NOELLE: My penis doesn't even function like a male penis anymore. It's softer, literally, to the touch. The skin is softer. Also, it doesn't get hard. When I have an orgasm, no fluid comes out at this point. I can't really maintain an erection and the whole process of having an orgasm is completely different, from when I was living with testosterone in my body. It was like I got hard, I put it in, I came, and it was easy.

NR: This doesn’t seem like too much of an issue for Noelle who plans on undergoing vaginoplasty, a type of gender affirmation surgery that will ultimately give her a vagina. 

NOELLE: The reason why I want to have it is because I want more options to have sex, essentially. I'm having male partners and I want to have stereotypical cis, female-male sex. And right now, my penis doesn't serve me. It doesn't make sense with what I'm going for, I guess, if that makes sense. It's not so much that I want to have vaginal sex, it's that my penis is just kind of there and I'm not using it and I don't care if partners touch it. I'm not receiving a lot of joy from it, so if there's something else we could do with this that would make me happier.

NR: While Noelle is having sex with male partners—something she never did when she was presenting as male— Noelle doesn’t identify as straight.

NOELLE: Before transitioning, I was only attracted to women, cis women, essentially. And now that I've started transitioning, I’ve realized that I don't really care what is in your pants or what your gender identity is. I care more about the human being. And I really like masculine energy. I've found that masculine energy from men, whether they're cis or trans men, has really resonated well with me. 

NR: Noelle is also exploring new methods with herself, especially since her hormone therapy can prevent her from masturbating sometimes. It's been an adjustment but it’s one that is teaching her a lot about her body, especially...her asshole. 

NOELLE: I'm trying to play with my ass more and learn how to have anal sex, so it's very beneficial for me. Because I never played with my ass ever. So I'm learning that and I'm carving out time. I'm actively learning how to masturbate again. Toys? Huge. Learning your butt as a sexual organ? Huge uphill battle I'm trying to figure out right now. Vibrators and stuff on the tip of your penis? Great. And how to touch it with your hand, to elicit orgasms? It's all very, very new for me. The biggest thing I had to get over was, I lost the ability to have this one earth shattering orgasm. So now, it's multiple small orgasms, and sometimes I have to be okay with that. And it was hard for me emotionally and mentally to be okay with that because it felt like I didn't win. It felt like I wasn't done with the game of masturbating yet, if I didn't have this massive erec— or I'm sorry, massive orgasm.

NR: All of this seems a lot for a person to go through, yet, Noelle seems happy when she tells me all of this. Even when she’s explaining some of the harder things she has to grow accustomed to, you can tell that she is happy she is even going through any of this at all. That she allowed herself to be the woman she always wanted to be. 

NOELLE: Now as I transitioned, I realize my whole inside has changed. That person I was does not exist whatsoever, and the woman that I'm becoming and am now, I would have never envisioned myself as this person, like ever. I’m finally getting confidence back. I’m going places and I’ve found communities that truly do love me.

NR: And that was our episode. You can follow Noelle on Instagram @wickedwren. That’s “wicked” “wren,” W-R-E-N. This podcast was produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I am also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Chelsea Kwoka is our vocal coach. Music is by Miguel Gutierrez. You can find more of his music online under his artist name MAGH. Our marketing team includes Gabriela Sanchez and Alissa Medina. Mouna Coulibaly is our sponsorship manager. Also, check out our sponsor Fembot Magazine. They’re a fully independent, female website that’s doing important work. And if you're curious about the articles and studies we cited on this episode, check out our website, howifckpodcast.com. That’s “howifck,” so without the “u,” “podcast.com.” And please, if you like this podcast subscribe to it. Rate it. Leave a review. Tell someone about it. Thank you again and stay tuned for our next episode.