How I (Don’t) F*ck as an Asexual Woman (Transcript)

NATALIE RIVERA: This is How I F*ck and I’m your host, Natalie Rivera. How I F*ck. That’s the name of our podcast and that’s basically what we use in the beginning of every episode title. “How I F*ck as a Trans Woman.” “How I F*ck with Cerebral Palsy.” Great episodes by the way. Check them out if you still haven’t. Well, how about people who don’t f*ck? How about people who don’t want to have sex with other people? Well, that’s the premise of this episode: How I Don’t F*ck as an Asexual Woman. So what exactly is asexuality? We’ll get into that in just a moment, but before I do a reminder that I am a journalist and not a sex expert or educator. I tell stories professionally using both research and stories from people who are kind enough to trust me. That being said, the episode I’m about to get into is not meant as a generalization of the asexual or ACE communities. Okay, here’s our episode. 

NR: I’m obsessed with almost every outfit on Yasmin Benoit’s Instagram. As a former emo goth kid myself, Yasmin’s Instagram is goals and kind of makes me want to pull out my old fishnets. Her Instagram is full of photos of Yasmin wearing lacy black dresses and spike stud accessories.

YASMIN BENOIT: That's always been the thing that's the weirdest thing about me. I walk down the street as a black girl with, at present, purple-ish hair and death metal band t-shirts and platform boots. And that's what people see. 

NR: Yasmin’s Instagram also has a ton of photos of Yasmin in lingerie, like goth-like lingerie. Again, attire that former goth me would appreciate. Chokers, chains, leather. Her photos are pretty sexy, yet the woman posing in them isn’t interested in sex. Not with you. Not with anyone. 

NR: For any of our listeners who don't know, what does asexual and aromantic mean?

YB: Aromantic means that you don't experience romantic attraction and asexual means that you don't experience sexual attraction.

NR: So when did you first realize that you didn't experience any romantic or sexual attraction?

YB: I realized around the same time as everyone else seemed to notice that they did experience it. I feel like there was a time where everyone seems pretty asexual and then they don't. And that's when I thought, “Okay, something's going on here? And I'm not really feeling the same thing.” And then it just kind of stayed like that. This was like 2009-ish. So if you weren't obsessed with the Jonas brothers, with Edward Cullen or someone in Twilight or some kind of boy band or rock band or something… there was always someone even though I went to an all girls school, so yeah. People noticed that I wasn't really caring.

NR: Have you ever felt pressure from anyone, whether they were someone who was close to you or not as close to you to maybe try to explore dating or sexuality. Whether it was like suggesting that you should try dating?

YB: Um, no. I mean, I'm sure other people would have wanted me to do that, but I was always a nonconformist, so I didn't really do what people wanted me to do, so I just didn't do it. Which I think is quite a good trait to have in that situation. 

NR: About one percent of the world’s population identifies as asexual, and while one percent might not seem a lot, keep in mind that that’s one percent of over 7 billion people on this earth, so we’re talking about 73 million people here. And that’s just people who openly identify as asexual, so the number could be much greater. One 2015 asexuality community census found that almost 25% of people who identified as asexual also identified as aromantic, yet, there’s still many people who don’t fully understand asexuality or even know about the terminology. Yasmin didn’t find out about the term asexuality until she was 15. 

NR: What was it like for you learning about these terms?

YB: I think it was half helpful because I could go online and Google it and be like, “Oh, wow. There are loads of people with the same experience as me. That's cool. It's an actual thing.” But then no one else knows what the words mean. And it means nothing. Like when you try and tell people, “Oh, I’m asexual,” like no one cares, no one knows what you're talking about. You can't come out as asexual and have people just get it. 

NR: Did you ever come out?

YB: Not in the kind of the dramatic, like, TV way where you sit everyone down and you say it and that's all you have to do. I mean, I’ve been exactly the same my whole life. So in a sense, I never really had to come out because I was just already living like that anyway, but I've like always said it, it's always been a thing. It was never news. People didn't necessarily believe it when I said it, but I've always had the same answers to people's questions. But then I don't feel like people really took it seriously. 

NR: Did you ever have moments of doubt or uncertainty where you're just like, “Whoa, like what's wrong with me?,” or were you always accepting of it?

YB: I mean, I was until people kind of started being like, “Hey, what's wrong with you?” Then I was like, “Oh, is this a problem?” And then I kind of had to wonder when people say things like, “Oh, well you must've gotten molested.” And then I'm like, “Did I, I don't think I did. I felt like I'd remember that.” And then sometimes people say memories get repressed. So I was like, “Did I get molested and I forgot about it?” Like, is this what happened or is it because I'm kind of awkward or did I do something that ruined the process of gaining a sexuality or something. I wrapped my mind about it, but in the end I was like, yeah, I don't think I did anything. That's just how it worked out.

NR: What other stereotypes do you think there are about asexual people?

YB: I mean, there are a lot. There's the idea that asexuality is just a mental disorder or just a physical disorder, or you're just too ugly to get anybody, or that it's caused by trauma. 

NR: These kind of misconceptions are nothing new to the asexual community. In fact, a lot of people have trouble defining asexuality. One 2019 poll asked UK adults how confident they were that they could define asexuality accurately. 53 percent of them said that they were confident in explaining the term, yet when they were put to the test a whopping 75 percent were either wrong about what asexuality is or incorrectly believed that asexual people have no sexual drive. They do actually. They just don’t have a sexual drive for other people. 

YB: Asexual people can masturbate because we have, we're not avoidant of hormones. Our genitals still work. People just think that if you're not sexually attracted to someone, then I don’t know… your clit doesn't work or something. The whole idea that people directly associate masturbation with wanting to have sex with somebody like that never even crossed my mind as a thing for myself, but I guess other people think of it like that. And therefore think that asexual people's bodies don't function that way. We still have hormones like everybody else and our bodies still work like everyone else, we're just not sexually attracted to people. And that isn't a component in what we do with ourselves. 

NR: Do you watch porn when you masturbate in order to get you in that mood? What does it take to get you in that mood? 

YB: Usually my body decides for me, then I just go along with it or I'm just super bored. I'm like, “Hey, I could kill some time right now. Why not?” I could see something or read something and then be like, “Okay, well now I’m thinking along that path,” but it's not essential. 

NR: Is this something that you do with just yourself or do you also include toys?

YB: No, I've never actually. I've worked with sex toy companies and they've sent me stuff, but I've never actually used them to be honest. (I’m) not very adventurous in that area.

NR: While most of the world was learning about asexuality for the first time thanks to mainstream TV characters like Todd in BoJack Horseman, Yasmin was slowly starting to build a platform through her modeling career, a career that some people find confusing. 

YR: I started off doing mainly alternative modeling for brands like Kill Star and stuff like that, in that kind of lane and because of my D cups, I was not able to do mainstream fashion. So I kind of ended up in the lingerie area which is cool cause I think that looks pretty. I just kind of dabbled in like a lot of stuff and I kind of got a platform for that. And then I decided to use that to talk about asexuality more because I didn't see a lot of black asexual people and I thought, “Hey, why not me?”

NR: You have mentioned in some interviews that some people are kind of surprised by your lingerie modeling because you are asexual. Can you talk to me more about that?

YB: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's just that whole old belief that if you look nice, you do it cause you want men to find you sexually attractive and that's kinda like the whole male gaze thing. People think that if I'm sexually attracted to you, then you can’t be asexual because you look like this and asexual people are meant to look different to that. It just kind of builds on all of these stereotypes and then just throws a bit of old sexism into the mix. And then you have that concept.

NR: This belief that women who dress up in lingerie only do it for the male gaze is especially heightened for black women, like Yasmin, who have been hypersexulized throughout history.

YB: Black women are quite hypersexualized. So people find it even harder to compute that I am; that there are black asexual people out there and I think it just kind of changes people's reactions to it. And I don't know… it just kind of changes like the perception. It changes the comments I get, like online, like the kind of stuff that I get and that other like white aces people don’t. Mine tend to be particularly like racialized or aggressive and violent. So yeah, it kind of impacts me in that way. It's just kind of just like the overlap of misogyny racism, and then like ace phobia all in one. 

NR: Yasmin however is already used to people assuming she needs to look or dress a certain way because she is black. 

YB: People don't really expect to see like black people, who are like metal heads and dressing like goths and all that kind of stuff. So I've always kind of raised eyebrows for that. That's always been the thing; like if I'm going to get bullied for something, it's going to be that. If people aren't going to want to sit with me, it's going to be that like, that's always been the thing. So by the time my sexuality came up, I was just like, “Alright, cool. That too, whatever,” it wasn't kind of like, “Oh no, I'm going to be weird. And people are going to think I'm different.” I was like, “I'm already weird and different.” So for that reason, asexuality was never like a chief worry of mine. 

NR: While Yasmin might seem “weird” to some people because of her gothness, lingerie modeling  or asexuality or a combination of all three of them, Yasmin is using the platform she’s created to bring awareness to asexuality and to prove to people that there is no one way to be asexual. Yeah, asexuals have a sex drive. They enjoy wearing lingerie. They enjoy looking great for themselves and not for the purpose of trying to attract potential sexual partners.

YB: It's a sexual orientation. It's not a reflection of your personality or your appearance or your life story. So just don't take it as that. Don’t try to psychoanalyze it and get into like the nitty gritty details. Just be like, okay, “You're asexual, I'm straight or I'm gay or I'm bi or I'm pan or whatever,” and just treat it the same. And don't put your own judgements or evaluation on it. 

NR: Those were all of my questions. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me.

YB: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

NR: Yasmin, before I let you go, how can people find you?

YB: I'm at “The Yasmin Benoit” so T- H- E- Y-A-S-M-I-N-B-E-N-O-I-T on Instagram and on Twitter. And I'm on YouTube a little bit. Just type in “Yasmin Benoit” on Google and you'll find me.

NR: And that was our episode. This episode was produced by me, Natalie Rivera. I’m also the host and creator. Ben Quiles is our audio engineer. Shyanne Lopez did copy and fact check. Music is by Miguel Gutierrez. Find his music online under his artist name Magh. Chelsea Kwoka is our vocal coach. Our marketing team includes Gabriela Sanchez and Alissa Medina. Our sponsorship manager is Mouna Coulibaly. Make sure to check out our sponsor Fembot Magazine. We’re also on Instagram and Twitter at howifckpodcast, that’s “How I Fck,” without the “u” so “fck.” We also have a website, howifckpodcast.com, again without the “u” where you can find all of our latest episodes, show notes and our list of articles and stats we used in this episode. And if you like this podcast please subscribe to it, rate it, review it. Reviews are a big deal for podcasts. They help us gain more listeners which then helps us do more of what we do, so we’d really appreciate it if you took a couple minutes to rate us on Apple podcasts. Help us keep doing what we’re doing. Thanks again, and stay tuned for our next episode!